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Trump Blames Tropical Storms on Antifa Weather Machine

President Trump blamed Antifa for Hurricane Sally and other tropical storms that have wreaked devastation across the Gulf Coast region this year, claiming the left-wing group is in possession of a weather machine.

Trump pointed to the historic rainfall and flooding that swamped parts of Alabama and the Florida Panhandle last week as proof that bad actors, and specifically Antifa - the leftist group he has labeled a terrorist organization - are to blame.

"There was just so much rain. So much rain. And wind. Wind strong enough to blow a cow across a cornfield. It happened. Nobody's seen anything like it," Trump spoke during a press conference today.

"Antifa did this," he said. "They have a weather machine and they're making storms. Mark my words."

Baffling reporters, Trump went on to assign Antifa responsibility for a variety of other bad news, from the discontinuation of certain food brands to the death of Regis Philbin.

"And you can thank Antifa for there not being Mrs. Butterworth's anymore," he said. "They killed Mrs. Butterworth and they also killed Regis. A lot of people don't know that, but it's true. You have to use Log Cabin now. It's terrible," he remarked.

"Also your wrinkles. And your weight. That constant ringing in your ears. No fans at baseball games. That's all Antifa," Trump continued. "Your disappointing children. And it'll only get worse if you vote for Biden."

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