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2020 Black Friday Deals Spark Domestic Violence

Incidents of assault, property damage and criminal mischief spiked dramatically country-wide yesterday as deal-crazed cyber shoppers clashed over Black Friday deals.

Despite pandemic-related closures and restrictions keeping people away from stores and shopping centers, violence remained high as the traditional seasonal mayhem turned domestic this year.

"My sister stole my iPad and locked herself in my bedroom where the Wi-Fi is fastest, but I wasn't having it. So I kicked the door in and beat her ass," one woman described her Black Friday morning.

"Dumb b****. I was trying to buy her a new Chromebook for Christmas," added the woman.

Other crimes included a large increase in package theft, according to police.

"People seem to just want stuff. No matter what it is. My own wife was assaulted by a man stealing an Amazon shipment of Zyrtec and Maxi-Pads," one police officer reported.

"She yelled at him that it was just allergy pills and tampons, but he shoved her down and took off."

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