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Study Finds Minority Children Suffer from Higher Levels of Shitty Halloween Candy

A new study shows that children of color suffer from higher levels of shitty Halloween candy than white children.

Drawn from random samplings of trick or treat bags taken from kids living in predominately minority neighborhoods and those residing in mostly white areas, the paper's findings were shocking.

"The difference between the piles were stark, to say the least," Principal Investigator Mabel Pembroke remarked. "We expected to see some disparity, but the vast amount of Good and Plenty and Smarties from the black and brown neighborhoods was pretty disturbing."

Also found disproportionately in the pails and pillowcases of minority children were Bit-O-Honeys, Bazooka gum, Pixy Stix, Fireballs, non-Laffy-Taffy taffies, candy corn and peppermints.

"And compared to white children, who we found received over 65% high quality candy – M&Ms, Snickers, Reese's, Twix, Skittles, etc. – children of color were much more likely to be given things that aren't even candy. Raisins, loose change, condiment packets, even unwrapped popcorn and pretzels," Pembroke reported.

Likely linked to socioeconomic factors, Pembroke called the amount of shitty Halloween candy being dumped into the bags of minority children another example of America’s legacy of inequality.

"Similar to the elevated levels of pollution we continue to see in formerly red-lined areas, the amount of butterscotch discs and circus peanuts unloaded on minority kids every Halloween is an artifact of our discriminatory past," she said.

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