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Gay Tips for Coming Out to Your Conservative Folks

• If you're a gay young man nervous about coming out to your parents, try practicing on a couple of your stuffed animals. Later, to most realistically depict how your mom and dad will respond to your news, hang your stuffed animals by their necks in the garage.

• If you're a gay young woman nervous about coming out to your family, try practicing with a GI Joe first. Then, speaking in GI Joe's voice, say, "No shit Rosie, you're a girl who plays with GI Joes."

• Once you've practiced telling your stuffed animals and dolls that you are gay, it is time to move on to the family pet. Just know that not all animals are as enlightened as humans regarding homosexuality yet, so don't be surprised if your dog bites you or your fish all go belly-up.

• It's always a good idea to drop hints about your homosexuality before you come out to lighten the shock when you do. For example, while watching football with your father, make remarks such as, "I wouldn't mind having a piece of that." Or, when they cut to a shot of the cheerleaders, say, "Eww."

• Before coming out, inform your family that you are either gay, pregnant or dying, and that you will reveal to them which in one week. After seven long days they'll be relieved to discover that you're just gay.

• Make sure you are truly a homosexual before coming out. Try marrying a member of the opposite sex and having children, and then if you still feel gay, go ahead and ruin their lives.

• Report your homosexuality to your family most effectively as a scientific presentation. Be sure to illustrate the sound methodology you employed to confirm your hypothesis that you are gay by including plenty of graphs, charts and stories about how much you like to suck penises/eat box.

• Be sure to dig up some dirt on other members of your family before coming out so that if things start going south, you can say something like, "Oh, yeah? Well Jennifer's an alcoholic."

• Consider insinuating your coming out into casual conversation. For example, wait for a story about a celebrity coming out of the closet to hit the news, then say, "Hey, guess who else is gay. Me."

• If your parents ask what brought you to this "lowly state", tell them it was soap... poisoning. Should've known not to use Lifebuoy.

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