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Qatar Digging Mass Graves to Accommodate Thousands of World Cup Fans

Having built seven new stadiums, an airport and dozens of hotels to host this year's World Cup, Qatar is reportedly also breaking ground on several mass graves to accommodate the thousands of fans they expect will violate their strict Muslim laws during their visit.

"We are very pleased at the opportunity to host such a sporting tournament and to deliver the wrath of Allah upon the heads of those who offend him," remarked Qatar's Emir Tamim bin Hamad.

Bin Hamad went on to describe the giant pits being dug around the country as "necessary to protect the public health".

"We can't just leave those bodies lying around," he reasoned. "It's unsanitary."

In addition to practicing poor sanitation, which is punishable by death in Qatar, fans caught drinking alcohol, using drugs, swearing, making rude gestures, shouting, spitting, kissing, hugging, consuming the meat of a pig or any of its byproducts, being homosexual, promoting charities, dancing, laughing excessively, urinating in public, menstruating in public, urinating while standing, being raped or complaining about the weather will be summarily decapitated and buried in trench.

Meanwhile, FIFA President Gianni Infantino, who boasted earlier in the day of his successful negotiation to reduce the penalty for chewing gum down from beheading to life in prison, says he's looking forward to a very exciting and memorable Cup.

"It should be a lot of fun. I would however suggest that everyone familiarize themselves with the multitude of laws that the Qatari government is planning to enforce, which are posted on the FIFA website. I would also recommend everyone hydrates well, as the country averages around 110F in the late Fall," Infantino said.

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