Practical Sex Advice For Sound Relationships
With: Barbara Bush

Dear Barbara,

On the night of our first anniversary as a couple, I had just finished getting ready for what I thought was going to be a romantic evening when my boyfriend barged into the room and gave me a golden shower. His "surprise" stained my dress, ruined my makeup, and pretty much the entire night. Making things worse, he wouldn't apologize, saying he "thought I'd like it", which is pretty much in keeping with his sophomoric personality. What do you think, should I cut this doofus loose?

Pissed Off (And On) In Pittsburgh

Dear P----- ---,

I'm sorry, but I have to take your boyfriend's side on this one. A golden shower sounds like a very thoughtful (and expensive!) gift. Furthermore, if the shower was too ostentatious (or whatever your objection was), I don't understand what would possess you to use it without first removing your clothes and cosmetics. Perhaps it would be to your benefit to seek professional psychological help.

Dear Barbara,
Despite my emphatic objections to minding, my wife refuses to let me have sex with her while she is on her period. Considering her menstrual cycle has extended to three weeks out of the month since I married her, I have to confess that I've become an unhappy camper in the bedroom due to these prolonged droughts. Any thoughts on how I can get her to loosen up?

Hanging By A String In Jacksonville

Dear Hanging,

Not only should you not be having sexual relations with your wife while she is menstruating, you shouldn't have any relations with her at all as women become unclean magnets of mysterious, dark forces during their periods. Therefore it is in your best interest to banish her to a special menses hut outside your home; or, if you lack the means for accomplishing this, relegate her to a separate room for the duration of her time of the month.

Dear Barbara,
To my silent discomfort my husband has become increasingly more kinky since we were married four years ago. For example, his latest kick involves the use of amyl nitrate before sex and asphyxiation immediately before climax as part of a quest to achieve "the perfect orgasm". Although I have to admit these things do enhance the overall experience, I'm of the mind that conventional sex is pleasurable enough without the extra risk such practices introduce. What do you think?

Choked Up In Washington

Dear Choked Up,

Engaging in choking techniques, especially while you and your partner are under the influence of drugs (including amyl nitrate, aka "poppers"), is in fact incredibly dangerous to your health. In addition, such practices can have a profoundly adverse effect on the well being of a fetus the woman might be carrying without her knowledge. Though it's nothing I'm particularly proud of, for the purpose of illustration and in the interest of full disclosure, let me tell you George and I experimented with auto-erotic asphyxiation and an array of aphrodisiacal substances for a short period in 1945 until I discovered I was pregnant with George Jr.