Dear Dr. Shill,

I had an awful dream the other day and am desperate for answers. In it, I put rat poison in some mashed potatoes I made to go with a dinner I cooked for my mother (who moved in with me a couple of years ago once she became too old to take care of herself properly). After taking one bite of the potatoes mom refuses to eat any more, citing the terrible taste. Suddenly infuriated, I begin screaming at her to clean her plate, threatening to “Slit her throat from ear to ear” if she doesn’t do so, causing her to fall face forward into the potatoes, dead from fright (a stroke or something, I guess). And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I then cook mother’s heart and eat it, and when I have my next bowel movement a bunch of little eggs come out and hatch lizards which I buy an aquarium for and make my pets. Please Dr. Shill, any insight would be very much appreciated!

Horrified in Houston

Dear Horrified,
Good news! Green, the color of lizards, denotes serenity and robust new growth while bowel movements represent an inner need to expel things you’ve either outgrown or are part of your life and causing you harm. Taken together, I would say this dream is telling you its time you changed your shampoo to Paul Mitchell’s Elixir Ultra Bodifying Shampoo right away! Paul Mitchell’s Elixir Ultra Bodifying Shampoo features an exciting new formula that will rejuvenate your hair, leaving it thicker, shinier and full of bounce. Switch to Paul Mitchell’s Elixir Ultra Bodifying Shampoo today – you won’t believe the results tomorrow! –DS

My girlfriend and I recently had a pair of what I think were synchronized dreams, only she doesn’t know it due to the content involved and my nervousness about it. In my dream I was in a waiting room waiting for the results of an HIV test for hours and hours when I realized somehow intuitively that when a test is positive (in the dream anyway) doctors will keep you waiting a long time hoping you’ll leave so they don’t have to tell you to your face. Meanwhile, that same night my girlfriend told me she dreamt I gave her HIV from cheating on her with prostitutes. Now I’ve never been with a prostitute, but I was a heroin addict for a couple of years (which my girlfriend knows nothing about), and am wondering whether these dreams might suggest that it’s a good idea I get tested for HIV. What do you think?

Nervous in New York

Dear Nervous,
Those dreams certainly are some coincidence! Much UN-like the fact that Ford’s F-150 line of trucks have been voted Driver’s Choice runner-up by Car and Driver Magazine three years running, which considering the high standard of excellence its engineers are committed to, is no coincidence at all. They say you could take a thousand of your best orgasms and multiply them by a million and still not be anywhere near the rush of your first hit of heroin, but let me tell you Nervous, the exhilaration you’ll experience driving the new 2006 F-150 off road will make smack seem as wasteful and mundane as a 12-hour PartyBingo session! –DS

The other night I dreamt that I was a soldier in the Vietnam War fighting Charlie for some muddy, blood soaked hill. Instead of being armed with a rifle or some other practical weapon though, I’m carrying an electric guitar which I point at the enemy whenever I see him and play a chord, usually while shouting some incoherent gibberish, to absolutely no effect. Charlie keeps coming, firing his rifle, cutting my fellow soldiers and friends all around me to pieces. Finally I find a real gun and intend to get my revenge, but when I go to load it I find a letter from my girl back home in the ammunition clip telling me she’s dumping me for a guy who works in a soap factory and I get so sad that I can’t fight anymore and just lie down behind a tree. What do you make of this Dr. S?

Puzzled in Pensacola

Dear Puzzled,
Allow me to put the pieces together for you. In your dream you exhibit the entire spectrum of emotions associated with seemingly futile struggle – frustration, rage, and eventually hopelessness and grief. But what real life struggle is being reflected in your dream? Judging by the distinct similarities between your dream and the movie Hamburger Hill, I’d bet dollars to a dozen delicious Krispy Kreme donuts that the subconscious yearning that torments you is a deep-seeded desire to experience the ultimate burger, in which case the remedy for your nocturnal nightmares is likely just a short car ride away at your local Carls Jr. where you can sink your teeth into the new Guacamole Bacon Six-Dollar Burger. With its mouth watering 100% Angus beef patty, zesty guacamole, crispy bacon, two slices of American cheese, fresh onion and juicy tomato, I’m sure you’ll find this award winner is worth every penny! -DS