Al Qaeda Plans to Infiltrate Girl Scouts, Sell Poison Cookies, FBI Reports

Picture the scene: That magical day when those delicious Girl Scout cookies you ordered weeks ago finally arrives, courtesy of the ugly new neighborhood girl in the recognizable green uniform. Your mouths’ watering, you and your family tear into the brightly colored boxes and begin eating. Within moments however, you notice something is wrong. Your insides feel like they’re on fire and your children are vomiting blood. The last thing you see before you die is your spouse trying to carve their abdomen open with a knife in a fit of deranged hysteria… Sound preposterous? Think again.

According to an FBI report, members of radical Islamic terrorist groups seeking to kill innocent American civilians with poisonous cookies are indeed actively targeting the Girl Scouts for infiltration. The report, released this morning, cites several sources of credible speculation as evidence of the developing plot.

“Employing the guile imparted by his training, a determined member of Al Qaeda could easily infiltrate the ranks of the Girl Scouts, and once implanted, might remain latent within the troop for an extended period, enduring with tireless patience the excruciatingly dull campouts and tedious tasks attendant to the earning of merit badges in such boring fields as basketry, drafting, cooking and bird study, all the while biding his time and gaining the trust of his fellow scouts until it is time to raise funds for the organization through the sale of factory baked treats – which he’d go about selling with extraordinary zeal – only to swap his cookies with those containing botulin, anthrax or ricin prior to delivery,” the report read in part.

Remarked FBI spokesman Robert Osgood: “Once ingested, these toxins will inevitably cause their victims to experience agonizing intestinal discomfort, painful, bloody diarrhea and terrifying hallucinations involving big hairy spiders with long sharp teeth feeding on their eyeballs and genitals before succumbing to death as their internal organs literally liquefy. We urge the public to remain vigilant and wary of any suspicious looking Girl Scouts, but ultimately this will fail as Al Qaeda will certainly shift to another tactic of spreading their death and terror.”

In order to preserve some vestige of our former safety, the Department of Homeland Security is recommending that citizens purchase a high quality security system for the home and to limit time spent vulnerable outdoors by conducting as much of their necessary business via internet and telephone.