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Arizona Deports Thousands of Useless People

An estimated 2,000 useless residents have been deported from Arizona in the week following the passage of a new law that many complain could lead to profiling and other abuse.

"This state has a 16% budget deficit – the worst in the nation, and one of the highest rates of non-productive citizens – we simply cannot go on supporting this dead weight any longer," Arizona State Treasurer Dean Martin remarked on the controversial new law.

Echoing the sentiments of the law's detractors, Arizona State Representative Debbie Lesko, whose 81 year-old mother was arrested for being useless while using several coupons and loose change to purchase groceries in the express lane of an Albertson's market in Flagstaff Tuesday, has argued that the law will promote unfair discrimination against elderly white citizens.

Meanwhile, Phoenix Sheriff Joe Arpaio defended the enforcement of the law so far by police, arguing that officers are only targeting the "most blatantly inept, non-functioning members of society".

"In addition to exempting anyone who has a job – any job – from arrest, our officers are operating under a mandate to release anyone capable of merely providing demonstrable proof of the smallest shred of useful potential – such as the ability to multiply single digit numbers, or remember what they had for breakfast," Arpaio said, "Tell us a joke, show us a magic trick – something. That's all we're looking for."

Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett pointed out another advantage of the law – liberating highly useful, cheap migrant labor from tending to useless individuals to perform more worthwhile work.

"These hard working men and women account for $25 billion of our state's GDP, but they could be contributing so much more if more of their collective energy were to be focused on more meaningful endeavors than watering these potted plants," Bennett said.

Furthermore, Arizona Attorney General Terry Goddard argues that the law doesn't go far enough, pointing out that it contains no provision for the acquisition of search permits that would enable law enforcement to apprehend the worst offenders from inside their homes.

"For every one do-nothing we might encounter staggering the streets or loafing about the park, staring at the ducks, there are two more truly useless people rooted to a Barcalounger gawking at infomercials all day, sheltered from justice inside the homes they never leave," lamented Goddard.

 
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