Britney Spears Arrested After Announcing Pregnancy

News From a Just Parallel Universe: Britney Spears Arrested After Announcing Pregnancy

Britney Spears was arrested yesterday, shortly after making a public announcement that she is pregnant.

The pop sensation’s disclosure prompted police to take her into custody under suspicion of procreating without a license – an infraction that would incur the mandatory relinquishment for adoption of any child carried to term plus a maximum five-year prison sentence in accordance with terms stipulated by the Functional Families Law of 1992.

According to legal experts, Spear’s trial would likely be an open and shut case.

What Do You Think?

“If only these laws had been enacted before Britney’s parents conceived” – M. Collins, Ft Wayne IN.

“If she spikes road litter as bad as she sings, there are gonna be a lot of filthy highways out there” – T. George, Lansing, MI

“She knew what she was doing – creating a cover for that beer belly and saggy ass she’s been cultivating for the past year” – L. Quintana, Los Angeles, CA

“Her tubes and vocal cords should be tied” J. Haas, Toronto, Canada

Commented Christopher Lopez, a District Attorney: “She doesn’t have a mother’s license, and the father, assuming it’s (Spear’s current husband) Kevin Federline’s, doesn’t have a father’s license, so if a court validated pregnancy test proves she is in fact pregnant, they’ll both face charges and the baby will be taken in by the state until fit, certified parents can be found.”

Though a tearful Spears claimed upon her apprehension that she was unaware of the requirement of first obtaining a license prior to conceiving a child, Department of Health and Human Services records show otherwise. Reportedly, Spears has taken the certification test three times since 2003, failing on each occasion with scores of 32, 28 and 25 – all well below the passing minimum of 70.

Furthermore, it was discovered that Spears attended a California parenting school in 2004 where her performance was so poor it induced its director to recommended that her license eligibility be stripped for life in a letter to the DHHS, a portion of which is included here:

“Mrs. Spears lack of aptitude was most apparent during the infant simulation exercise we undertook in which our students were issued ten pound bags of rice to carry for one week. Her first bag was lost after Mrs. Spears left it in an airplane overhead compartment while the replacement was signed and sold on Ebay by her husband and the third evidently caught on fire somehow and burned.”

Commented Margaret Lundgren, Superintendent of the Parent Credential Commission: “Mrs. Spears case exemplifies what the Functional Families Law was made for - protecting children and society from the abuse and degenerative effects of terrible parenting. Why she thought she could flout the law and get away with it is likely a symptom of the same lack of maturity and intelligence that, ironically, makes her unfit in the first place.”