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New ChastityBit Allows Parents to Track Teen Daughters' Sexual Activity

Fitbit has released a new sexual activity tracker capable of allowing moral values parents to monitor and enforce their teenagers' commitment to premarital abstinence.

The "ChastityBit", a wireless-enabled, wearable wristband, will resemble a regular Fitbit and retain all of the original tracker's functions in addition to the extra concealable features.

"The ChastityBit was made to look identical to a Fitbit Alta for parents who want to monitor their daughters' sexual activity discretely, but can also be locked into position for those who wish to use it as a more modern version of a chastity belt," company President Steven Rasmus explained.

While monitoring heart rate, steps walked, climbed, etc., the ChastityBit, triggered by biomechanical movements associated with sex, also collects data on how many men the wearer has slept with, their ethnicity, and the quality of the sex, including metrics such as number of strokes and orgasms achieved.

"My daughter gave twelve Lithuanians hand jobs in one day," one beta consumer remarked. "And that's a dozen too many."

Fitbit announced it is also developing technology capable of allowing parents to listen to audio files of their daughters' potentially dangerous liaisons.

"A hidden audio input will record the encounter," Rasmus described. "Though, there are still some bugs to work out. Especially if the subject happens to use a salt shaker or ketchup bottle any time during the day – you might just end up hearing their lunch."

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