Cheney Memo Advocates Dress-Up Torture of Dogs Affiliated with Terrorist Groups, Pets

In an addendum to a previous memo the Vice President sent to the Senate proposing the exemption of Central Intelligence Agency employees from a legislative measure endorsed earlier this month by 90 Senators that would bar cruel and degrading treatment of any prisoners in U.S. custody, Dick Cheney has called for sanctioning the torture of dogs by dressing them in silly costumes if, “Such actions are vital to the protection of the United States or its citizens from terrorist attack or if it is deemed sufficiently humorous.”

The proposal, as its language suggests, applies not only to dogs affiliated with radical groups such as Al-Qaeda, whose being dressed in stupid outfits they find annoying might compel them to disclose information that could help prosecute the war on terror, but also to the pets of everyday Americans if the act is found to be hilarious by their owners.

“Intelligence has revealed that Al Qaeda has in the past and is currently training dogs to carry out their diabolical acts of terror. From carrying bombs into busy playgrounds to infiltrating Seeing Eye dog organizations only to purposely lead their blind owners straight into the oncoming traffic of a busy intersection, these dogs have been conditioned to perform evil against innocent civilians and have therefore forfeited their protections under the Geneva Convention,” stated the Vice President.

Cheney continued, “And as for any other dog, hey what the heck as long as its funny.”

Expectedly, Cheney’s efforts to sanction animal cruelty have triggered a severe backlash from humanitarians as well as other people with a shred of common decency.

Declared American Humane Society Vice President Evelyn Martin, “Regardless of how amused you are by it or what kind of highly valuable information a dog might have regarding the whereabouts of high ranking Al Qaeda members, dressing them as pirates, Darth Vader, 19th century English detectives, French maids, gay bikers, Mr. T, or whatever is NEVER OKAY. It’s uncomfortable for the dog and it’s degrading to both the animal and mankind.”

Meanwhile, Cheney’s animal ‘dress-up’ torture provision has met with much less resistance on Capitol Hill than his endorsement of human torture where he has reportedly garnered the support of nearly half of the Senate.

Spoke John McCain (R-AZ), the most prominent critic of Cheney’s original human torture proposal, “I guess I don’t see anything so wrong with it. I have to admit my wife and I dressed our basset hound Charlie up as Abraham Lincoln once and sometimes the kids make him into an elf on Christmas. Charlie hates it but we get a real kick out of it. He looks so cute with his little elf hat and shoes and long hangdog expression.”