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Bain Capital Hires 1 Million Americans to Train 300 Million Chinese Replacements

Bain Capital announced today plans to hire an additional 1 million Americans to train their Chinese replacements.

Bain, which acquired the United States through a bank-leveraged buyout of the debt-stricken country earlier this year, has already sent 2 million Americans to China to assist in the task of turning 300 million of the Asian nation's 1.4 billion inhabitants into replacement Americans.

Despite their commitment to limiting costs, Bain spokesman Blake Cooper said the asset management company is happy to put another million Americans to work helping to reproduce every American currently living in the US as a Chinese facsimile by the end of 2012 – when their contracts are due to expire.

"It's a difficult job – especially getting the Chinese to go along with their new dietary requirements. They don't really like eating Taco Bell and cheeseburgers more than five times a week. It actually makes them sick," remarked American trainer Chris Foster, "Also, they have a hard time watching television for more than six or seven consecutive hours. They tend to get squirmy after just a dozen or so reruns of Storage Wars."

Other common difficulties faced by Bain's American trainers include teaching the Chinese a strong affinity for guns and to understand the game of baseball.

"They're actually afraid of guns and really don't want them in their homes," Foster said, "And as for baseball, I can't tell you how many trainees have asked me why the men need to be on different teams to have a picnic."

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