Horoscopes for Christian Fundamentalists 

Aries (March 21 - April 20) Though you didn’t necessarily approve of the campaign of ethnic cleansing enacted by the Nazis during World War II, you will be quite definitely miffed upon your arrival to heaven when your orientation representative introduces himself as Meshulam Steinberg through a pronounced lisp, but invites you to call him "Mushy"

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Although you are at first skeptical, your misgivings over your priest’s proposed treatment of your son’s wheat allergy will be allayed when he presents a letter recommending he give him anal signed by Jesus Christ himself

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) You will be overjoyed to learn that, as a result of your church’s missionary work in Bangladesh, the children of hundreds of unplanned pregnancies will get to experience the fulfillment of making thousands of sweatshirts before going to heaven

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Although you will experience some embarrassment, you can take solace in the knowledge that you were truthful and thus still heaven bound after informing a group of coworkers that your presentation will be delayed ten minutes by a sudden, urgent need to move your bowels

Leo (July 23-August 22) You will be struck with a profound sense of ambivalence when you discover Jesus was resurrected fifty-two years ago and has since been living amidst our mortal realm under the name Gilbert Gottfried

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - You will take a moment this week to quietly express your gratitude to our most generous God for not making the gratuitous consumption of fried, fattening food a sin as you polish off your third plate of fish sticks, spaghetti, tacos and onion rings at the Home Town Buffet

Libra (September 23 - October 23) Your self-righteous, sanctimonious attitude will become so intolerably irritating that the Holy Ghost himself will lose his patience and fart in your face

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22) You will thwart a young atheist’s argument that he doesn’t feel comfortable investing blind faith into the teachings of a book written by men who were still 1500 years away from incarcerating Galileo for life for claiming the Earth revolves around the sun by asking, "Who's Galileo?"

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21) Though you continue to believe your son’s unintelligible jabbering indicates that he is a divine true believer who speaks in tongues and is capable of handling snakes and drinking poison without ill-effect, it will turn out those who’ve suggested that he’s merely retarded will be vindicated after you feed him cyanide

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Despite the fact that Leviticus 11:10 clearly states that eating shellfish is an abomination, the godless heathens comprising your local constabulary will insist on holding you to stand trial for machine gunning your town’s annual clam bake

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Things will come to a head with your teenage son when you come to a firm resolution that nothing that didn’t somehow involve Satan could take so long in the bathroom

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will briefly consider taking the time to research and discuss the various physical and emotional dangers attendant to premarital sex and recreational drug use with your children before realizing that “Deal or No Deal” is coming on in ten minutes and instead merely reiterate for the 1,000th time that doing either will stamp their ticket for hell

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