Congressional Cock-Off Mired in Deadlock

Stuck at a standstill of party-line politics that has prevented the passing of legislature on key items such as healthcare reform and climate change, members of Congress agreed in January to resolve their differences with a cock-off – a rare, yet historically revered traditional form of dispute resolution in which the party with the biggest average penis size carries the day.

Still, 6 weeks later, partisan bickering has left both federal legislative bodies no closer to unzipping onto their desks for the first time since Democrats, Whigs and Free Soil party members whipped their dicks out to resolve the impasse that preceded the passing of the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850.

"Ironically, the execution of this gold-standard gridlock breaker has itself become mired in gridlock," summarized Washington Post political analyst George Shays.

Amongst the numerous objects of contention now paralyzing the agreed-upon solution to other legislative paralysis is a fierce debate over how the Congressmen's penises should be measured.

"In keeping with the inviolable, timeless tradition passed on from our forefathers, the length of the shaft shall be measured topwise, from body to tip," proclaimed Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), addressing a Republican-block lobby for initiating measurement from the bottom of the penis, behind the scrotum and balls.

"This is arbitrary political gamesmanship at its worst," grumbled Vice President Joe Biden, "Everybody knows that starting from the bottom at the taint is cheating. I mean, come on – if that's how you did it every man in America would have at least an 8-inch cock."

Concerning another raging dispute between factious camps of "showers" and "growers", Biden sided squarely on the side of showers, reasoning, "Chubbing up should be strictly forbidden for reasons that I believe shouldn't require elaborate debate – namely that it would run counter to the dignity of our legislature to turn the floors of Congress into a huge circle-jerk."

Further complicating the matter is the question of what should be done with the women who now hold office in Congress, as well as House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), who continues to steadfastly refuse to take part in any cock-off, or provide an explanation why.

"There is no reason – I just don't want to, that's why," said the sullen Congressman.