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Crazed Ape Crashes Stock Market

Millions of people have been left wondering where all their money has gone today after a crazed ape wrecked the stock market.

Somehow left empowered to determine highly impactful fiscal policy over the world's largest economy, the ape, which is actually a rare species of short-armed orangutan, sent global markets reeling this morning after a year-long temper tantrum culminated in the Chinese devaluing their currency.

"It's definitely a full-on sh*t show, and I'm not just referring to all the feces this deranged monkey has been throwing around. An all out trade war with China is bound to get a lot more messy," Wall Street analyst Buck Hunter remarked.

As for why a grunting, unhinged primate with a history of bankrupting businesses was allowed to gain control over the levers and dials of the US economy, some who helped make it happen are starting to have second thoughts.

"Well, the wife and I figured 'why not?' you know? Putting a psychotic gorilla in charge might shake things up a bit - or at least be good for a few laughs," one former supporter of the crazed simian explained.

"Maybe not such a great idea after all," added the man.

As of press time, everyone on the planet is currently contemplating what it would be like if they moved back in with their parents.

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