Have I Mentioned Yet that My Parents were Illiterate Shit for Brains?
By: Ted Cruz

You might assume from my presidential candidacy and position in the US Senate that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Not so. I come from very humble beginnings. In fact, and forgive me if I've mentioned this already, but I was raised in a small self-storage unit by a pair of illiterate shit for brains.

It's true. My parents were both drunken morons, and I don't mean that metaphorically. The collective essence from whence I was derived is a pair of alcoholics who have been qualified as mentally retarded by standardized intelligence tests.

And I believe this is a good thing.

My father, who mopped floors at a Burger Baron and whose only passion in life other than getting smashed on beer and kicking my ass was collecting corn cobs, could hardly afford the case of Molsen he chugged every night while my mother performed oral sex on homeless schizophrenics for a living.

Life was no picnic in our shed, let me tell you. There was no indoor plumbing or electricity, and whatever milk my mom brought home went into her white russians. We had no clothes, water or food. One time I didn't eat anything for six months. Another time I was so hungry I ate a cob of corn and my father beat me. Then, one day, I killed my parents in their sleep and ate them.

Vote Ted Cruz!