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Worthless Asteroid Misses Earth by Miles

An asteroid estimated to be around 8 kilometers wide flew uselessly by the Earth today, failing to destroy the planet.

Traveling at approximately 75,000 kilometers-per-hour, the asteroid could have brought an end to all life on earth, scientists say, a potential it failed to live up to when it missed the planet by over a million miles.

"What a worthless piece of crap," one of billions of dejected earthlings vented on-line today. "I guess a million miles is close by the standards of the universe, but still. F*** that thing."

Even more disappointing, astronomers say the next asteroid capable of annihilating Earth isn't due to arrive for another fifty years.

"That sucks. An asteroid could really solve a lot of problems. COVID, Kanye, my awful marriage … it's really sad," one man lamented.

Meanwhile, one ray of hope was shed this afternoon from the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, who, citing the world's governments inability to properly manage the dual threats posed by emerging technologies and political upheaval, reset the Doomsday Clock to just 100 seconds to midnight.

"Well, sure. I guess there's always thermonuclear war," another poster rejoiced.

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