New Pfizer Study Reveals Majority of Infants Are Clinically Depressed

A new study sponsored by Pfizer reveals that most babies suffer clinical depression and anxiety, and could benefit from Zoloft, the anti-depressant medication they manufacture.

Citing their fitful sleeping patterns, restlessness, frequent crying and high suicide rates, the findings of a non-independent panel of laboratories concluded that congenital infant depression syndrome (CIDS) is common far above epidemic levels in the United States.

Reported Dr. Michael Parsons of the Western Michigan School of Pediatrics: “Observed against a representative control population, individuals in the zero to two age group demonstrate hallmarks associated with clinical depression, including uncontrollable weeping and weeping without reportable or discernable reason, at a 200% higher rate than any other age group, and 450% higher than adults between the ages of 30-50 - a deeply disconcerting statistic.”

Even more troubling, the study indicates that suicide rates amongst the country’s infant population dwarf those of any other demographic.

“Every year 54.8 out of 100,000 Americans under the age of two commit suicide, with drowning, self-inflicted suffocation and electrocution being the most common methods, a number that is nearly five times higher than the national average,” said Parsons.

Chief Scientist of Research and Development for Pfizer David Bauer deemed the findings an alarming wake-up call.

“This study shows that our children, our youngest, most helpless and vulnerable little people are suffering and dying from a completely treatable condition, and that’s just unacceptable. We have the cure. We have lots of cures. Cures for everything,” Bauer proclaimed.

Indeed, according to parents who’ve already begun administering anti-depressants to treat their infant's emotional imbalances, the medication has rendered highly positive results.

Deborah Hancock of Madison, Wisconsin testified, “My ten month-old son Dylan used to cry constantly day and night, and even in public. It broke my heart to see him so sad all the time. Of course, my family doctor always had some explanation – first it was colic, then it was teething, and then I had enough. So I took him to a new doctor who put him on Zoloft, and it’s a miracle. The tears have dried up, he’s sleeping through the night, and he’s as happy and quiet as a little angel.”