President Bush and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert spent the morning at the Baskin Robbins "Flavor Factory" in Parsippany, New Jersey Thursday as part of a special executive-legislative envoy to determine what makes the ice cream sold by the world's largest ice cream chain so delicious. The President's four hour sojourn to the plant was his second to a Dunkin' Brands facility since the company was purchased by his father's investment firm the Carlyle Group and two others in March for $2.5 billion.

Spoke Dunkin' Brands public relations representative Toby Buckman, "Originally, the President and Mr. Hastert's appearance was to include a comprehensive tour of the premises, beginning with an educational walk-through of our production floor and flavor synthesis laboratories, but these portions of the itinerary were abbreviated to accomodate Mr. Hastert's enthusiasm to proceed directly to the facility's sampling parlour."

Other workers present elaborated on Buckman's account.

"What's his name, Hastert - the fat Congress guy who couldn't fit into any of our lab coats - he's a total freak. As soon as he walked into the place he was all, 'Ice Cream yum-yum, me want ice cream!'" recounted one anonymous factory technician, imitating Mr. Hastert's manner of walking by tucking his chin into his neck and wobbling from foot to foot while alternately raising his elbows to scratch at his armpits, "Man, he couldn't wait to eat that shit. We tried to show them how the pasteurization system worked, but he shouted 'This boring!' and knocked our supervisor flat on his back and stumbled off."

Plant Operations Manager Christine Gomez, who performed the honor of serving the President and House Speaker ice cream samples, described their guests' enjoyment of the plant's finished product.

"The President only tasted five or six small spoonfuls on account of his diet, but he said it was the most delicious ice cream he's ever tasted. Mr. Hastert's appetite, on the other hand, was a bit more robust. Evidently I'm not the best trained, most swift ice cream scooper in the world, so he took over the serving duties for himself and probably polished off, oh, I'd say about three gallons or more of product."

Added Gomez: "He (Hastert) was really cute - when he finished after about an hour he was covered from head to foot."

Although a few internet bloggers have criticized the President for spending what they describe to be 'valuable time' in 'thinly veiled, shameless promotional stunts designed to benefit extremely wealthy individuals in his inner-circle financially while the polar ice caps continue to melt and North Korea is test firing intercontinental ballistic missiles all over the planet', most within the media have applauded his dedication toward keeping in touch with the average working American.

"And besides," remarked Fox News Channel's Neil Cavuto, "I've always wondered what makes Baskin Robbins ice cream, Dunkin' Donuts and Togo's sandwiches so darn delicious myself!"