Election Tips for the Highly Corruptible and Mentally Unbalanced

• Although your motivations for seeking office likely revolve around the fat kickbacks and hot pootang, you should probably tell voters it's to put people back to work or fight corruption or some bullshit like that.

• For just a few bucks, the bums who hang out around freeway off-ramps in your district will likely be willing to add "And Vote For Joe" to the bottom of their "Homeless Vet - Gimme" signs.

• Always keep in mind that the high road leads to Loser Town. Identify a less-than desirable physical trait possessed by your opponent and point it out gratuitously. For example by referencing him or her as, "My crippled, gap-toothed opponent", or, "The fat bitch incumbent currently stinking up the mayor's office".

• When engaging in the time honored tradition of kissing babies at political rallies, never try to get past first base.

• Placing yard signs is a great way to generate name recognition for your campaign. Place as many as you can afford on lawns in your district before election day.  Also, secretly modifying your opponents signs in the middle of the night with the phrase "Is A Pole Smoker" is an excellent way to raise public awareness of his affinity for smoking poles.

• Don't forget the three little letters that could spell victory: BBQ. Stuff most Americans with enough pig dicks and beef fat and they won't know their own interests from a kick in the nuts.

• Comparing your opponent to a Nazi is a time-honored tactic that is sure to make you look comparatively more attractive to moderate and left-leaning voters who see the systematic enslavement and extermination of ethnic minorities as a bad thing.  

• The more personal the conversation, the more effective it is at persuading voters to support you. For instance, by using the specific names of family members who "might meet with say, some kind of terrible accident" in the event whoever you're talking to doesn't vote for you, that person is much more likely to not sign their own death warrants on election day.

• If your electorate has a Tea Party majority, you should embrace the theory that getting everyone to stop masturbating and arming them to the teeth is a good idea.

• When campaigning door to door and a woman answers, ask her if her mother is at home. Also be sure to compliment the house in question, even if it is a total dump.