24 - Season 6
Written By: George W. Bush
Starring: George W. Bush

Episode 1 - 5:00pm Feb. 4
Ext. Day: I’m sitting on the porch on my ranch in Crawford, strumming a guitar and drinking a cold lemonade watching the sun go down while reading the newspaper when my pants start to buzz and I quickly realize it is my cell phone so I answer it angrily because nobody should be calling me.

Me:
Who is this? How did you get this number?

Voice on the phone:
I’m sorry sir. I know that your supposed to be dead but there is trouble big trouble.

Me:
I see.

Voice on phone:
Its al kada sir. There the ones causing this mess. They are hatching an evil threat against the super bowl tomorrow. Your the only one who can stop them. Please sir there are only twenty four hours until the game starts.

Me:
I won’t need that long. Don’t worry I’ll be there tomorrow. I’m going to get some sleep.

Episode 2 - 7:12am (the next morning)
I wake up and take a shower and crack five eggs into a glass and drink them down.

Me:
Breakfast of winners.

Episode 3 - 8:05am
I put on a pair of sunglasses and a cowboy hat to disguise myself and hop in my apache helicopter and fly to the superdome in detroit where the super bowl is being held blowing up every kangaroo I see along the way with missiles

Me:
In danger my sweet aunt Gertrude. More like exstinked!

Episode 4 - 11:30am
Feeling a bit hungry from the trip and confident of my future triumph against al kada I stop into a Denny’s and get a hamburger and read the funnies which takes about an hour. In family circus the mom is asking Billy and the sister who broke her lamp and they say “I dunno and don’t ask me” and then there are two ghosts that look like Billy and whats her name wearing shirts that say “I dunno and don’t ask me” floating around.

Me:
That’s hilarious. I don’t know why people need to curse to be funny.

A colored waitress walks up and gives me a bill for $9 and I leave a $20 bill to help feed all her poor children at home

Episode 5 - 12:35am
I still have some time to kill so I go catch a movie. I see Big Momma's House 2. Its gross and I cant here a lot of it because of all the negroes whooping and carrying on in the audience.

Me:
Boy, there sure are a lot of negroes in this city!

Episode 6 - 2:46pm
With just a couple hours before kickoff I walk around the Astrodome looking for a way inside when I see a hippie with a ponytail wearing Burkenstocks who is a photograph guy get out of a hybrid car with his hand full of camera equipment.

Me:
Hey buddy did you hear about the protest against the kangaroo poachers on the other side of town?

Hippie:
Really? Thanks dude I’m outta here I didn’t want to work this violent game anyway. I’d rather go take pictures of butterflies in the park. Here’s my ticket. You can pretty much get everywhere in the stadium with it even the mascot’s dressing room if you want.

Me:
Thanks.

I walk towards the stadium and give the guy my ticket and he lets me in after checking to see if I was trying to bring any food into the stadium.

Me:
Now I’ll need to get onto the field but how?

I pass a refreshment stand and buy a chocolate and vanilla swirl ice cream cone and eat it.

Me:
That hit the spot.

Episode 7 - 3:35pm
Suddenly I get a great idea. I could get on the field disguised as the mascot for the Steelers so I go down to the field using the photograph guys ticket and go into the locker room area until I find the door marked Steelers mascot and open it and walk in and see a guy getting into the Steeler costume.

Mascot Guy:
Hey what are you doing in here?

Me:
I’m sorry I was just looking for a toothbrush.

Mascot Guy:
Oh. Theres a bunch over there.

Before he can pat an eyelash I grab the mascot and snap his neck.

Episode 8 - 3:52pm
A bunch of stuff happens for the next hour or so that isn’t really worth mentioning.

Episode 9 - 4:57pm
I walk out onto the field in my Steeler costume and begin snooping around for al kada. I check out all the members of both teams as they practice their drills but there clean. I check the cheerleaders and find one that is suspicious but it turns out she is just hawaiin.

Episode 10 - 5:12pm
The game starts. Still no sign of al kada so I pass the time rooting for the Steelers pumping up the fans doing backflips walking on my hands juggling and breathing fire

Episode 11 - 5:36pm
I walk over to the sideline and tell the Steeler coach to try the old statue of liberty play and he calls it in. It works. Steelers – 7 Seahawks - 0. I get high fives all around

Episode 12 - 6:58pm
Nothing much happens again until halftime and I get a hot dog while the rolling stones are playing.

Episode 13 - 8:47pm
The second half starts when all of a sudden I notice that the referee looks oddly familiar

Me:
Hmmm… it seems like I know that guy from somewhere but where?

Then all of a sudden I put two and three together with his tall height brown skin bushy gray beard and arab robe under his referees uniform.

Me:
Its Osama Ben Laden!

All of a sudden I notice an evil gleamer in his eye as he takes the ball the other ref gives him puts it up his robe and pulls out another ball covered with wires and blue playdoh

Me:
What the…?

Then the teams lined up for the play and the quarterback was ready to hike the ball. And then he hiked the ball and I could here the announcer in the booth

Announcer:
And the quarterback goes back to pass the ball and he throws the ball really far far down the field. It’s a bomb!

And all of a sudden I realize that the ball is actually a bomb and the blue stuff isn’t playdoh at all but plastic explosives that will blow up and destroy the whole stadium if the receiver catches it for a touchdown and spikes the ball so I act fast and run out onto the field catch the pass for an interception which confuses everyone including all the players

Player 1:
What’s the big idea?

Player 2:
Hey what do you think your doing?

Me:
I'm taking it to the house that's what.

I nimbly dodge all the players on the defense and offense and a bunch of security cops and coaches and referees all the way to the endzone where I cross myself and point to the Lord in heaven before dropping to a knee and dismantling the bomb.

Ben Rothelburger
Oh my god it really was a... (gulp) bomb!

I take off my costume revealing myself.

Ben Rothelburger
Oh my gosh its President Bush but I thought he was dead!

The crowd goes wild cheering accept for the liberals who would all rather have the terrorists win blow up everything and take away everyones freedom. Then all of a sudden in the background I see Osama Ben Laden trying to sneakily sneak away off the field on his tip toes.

Me:
Stop that man!

Then all of a sudden my cell phone rings again.

Me:
Hello?

Voice on the Phone:
Mr. Bush! We've just recieved new information that the super bowl attack was just a division and that the real attack is going on right now in New York City!

Me:
New York City? What is it?

Voice on the Phone:
Its a big city that voted against you three to one in the last two elections but that isn't important now.

Me:
You're right. I mean whats the problem?

Voice on the Phone:
Well I don't know exactly how to say this sir but it seems al kada has snuck a hundred foot tall gorilla into the country that they trained to destroy cities named king kong!

Me:
Oh my gosh. I'll be right there!

Episode 14 - 9:58 - New York City
Flying fast over New York City in my apache I reach the empire square building where king kong is breaking things and carrying ashley jud to the top of the building

Me:
I've had enough of this monkey business!

I hover over the king kong dangling a giant banana soaked in gorilla poison from the bottom of the helicopter

King Kong:
GROWL!

King kong grabs the banana and eats it and dies and falls off the building sending ashley jud tumbling through the air so I swoop down in the chopper and catch her just before she hits the ground.

Ashley Jud:
Oh thank you mister president you saved my life

Me:
All in a days work.

Ashley jud tries to kiss me but I fend her off.

Me:
Sorry miss but I'm a happily married man!

THE END