New Baseball Labor Deal to Recognize Hitting, Catching the Ball as Separate Jobs

Baseball players and owners signed a new labor contract Tuesday after it was agreed that hitting the ball and catching the ball should be recognized as different and distinct jobs.

Players, who have been paid one salary for performing both job functions since 1869, are calling the agreement a watershed moment for the game's labor movement.

"After swinging a heavy bat at the baseball during their time in the batter's box, many of these men have then had to spend as long as fifteen to twenty minutes in the sun chasing and catching the ball for no extra pay. That's not fair," remarked Major League Players Association spokesman Ed Spangler.

The Boston Red Sox David Ortiz, who has been paid to only hit the ball for the past 7 years, was one of the first players to applaud the decision.

"It is justice," proclaimed Ortiz, "Both hitting the ball and catching the ball are very hard work."

Though negotiations stopped short of recognizing throwing the ball as a third distinct and remunerable function of the game, owners did consent to allowing the players to wear larger hats.

"It can get pretty hot out there – especially during the summer time," said Atlanta Braves second baseman Dan Uggla.

Other notable components of the new deal will require all players to swear on their mother's life that they're not using undetectable performance enhancement drugs, and allow them to eat chicken and drink beer in the dugout of any game lasting longer than three hours.