The Night Bin Laden Tried to Steal Christmas
A Poem by: George W. Bush

Good news, say I to you, I as your leader have written a story – your dream has come true!
Mark my words: this story will be spellbinding and grand
And if you don’t like it, well that’s just too bad.

Now put down that eggnog, lay those gingerbread cookies back on the cart,
Because I have a sneaky feeling that the story is about to start…

Every American
Down in America
Likes Christmas a lot…

But Bin Laden,
Who lived in Afghanistan
Didn’t.

Bin Laden hated Christmas!
The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quiet knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his turban was tied too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that he hated our freedom.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his turban,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating Americans,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, terrible frown
At the warm lighted shopping malls below in their towns.
For he knew every American down in America beneath
Was busy now, buying lots of things

“And they’re hanging their stockings!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It comes once a year!”
Then he growled, as he did a little mopping,
“I must find a way to stop all this shopping!”
For, tomorrow, he knew…

…All the girls and boys
Would wake up real early. They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Those terrible sounds of freedom!
That’s one thing he hated! The liberty, democracy and the freedom!

Then the Americans, young and old would sit down to eat.
And they’d eat, and they’d eat, and they’d eat!
And they’d start with Kraft™ pudding, and Tyson brand turkey
Which was something Bin Laden hated - old fashioned brand loyalty!

And THEN
They’d do something he liked the very least
Every American down in America, the large and the obese,
Would kneel together, with a Randy Travis CD playing,
They’d kneel hand-in-hand and to Jesus start praying!

They’d pray! And they’d pray!
And they’d pray! Pray! Pray! Pray! Pray!
And the more Bin Laden thought of the Americans praying
The more Bin Laden thought, “I must stop this right away!
“Why for fifty-three years I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
…But how will I accomplish my mission?”

Then he got an idea!
An evil idea!
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Decided to boycott IKEA!

“I know just what to do!” Bin Laden laughed with spite
And he thought of a website made of words he would write.
And he chuckled and clucked, “What a sinister plan!
“With this website I’ll tell everyone to join the ban!”

“All I need is a desk for my computer and a light to see…”
Bin Laden looked around.
But desks and lamps are scarce, there were none to be found.
Did that stop Bin Laden…?
No! Bin Laden simply said,
“If I can’t find a desk and a lamp, I’ll make them myself!”
So he got his toolbox and promptly made a shelf.
“Oops,” said Bin Laden with a scowl, “This is harder than it looks.”

So Bin Laden bit his lip and mounted his camel,
And into an American town he soon ambled.
He looked for a shop that sold what he needed,
But he could find none. There was only IKEA!

“Oh phidle-dee-flat”
He said and he spat,
“Looks like I’ll have to shop in this store
For the things I need, but then no more!”

So inside he went with a chuff and a frown
In search of his items and to have a look around.
And what happened then?
Well… in America they say
That Bin Laden’s small heart
Shriveled and died that day.
Realizing that his quest to squash freedom was futile,
He hopped on his camel, returned to his cave and never came out again.

The End