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Bon Jovi Comeback Mimics Patterns Seen in Herpes Virus
According to the latest New Jersey Journal of Medicine, social-epidemiologists are using the herpes simplex virus as a model to explain the pattern of re-emergence of Bon Jovi, the 80’s hair band that seems to disappear only to re-surface with another terrible album every five to six years.
“Like the insidious herpes virus which lies dormant within the cells of its human host for a similar period of time before returning as an active infection, Bon Jovi remains latent within the social milieu, feeding off currency accrued from its last outbreak only to re-manifest with a new batch of insipid racket to sell to their loyal base of mostly TGIF bartenders and lonely grade school teachers in order to satisfy their insatiable hunger for the money they need to subsidize their liposuction, face lift and beach front mansion habits,” explained Center for Disease Control Epidemiologist Dr. Zetis.
Expectedly, the publication has re-ignited the long running debate between civil libertarians and music industry executives, who argue that Bon Jovi has a constitutional right to produce their so-called music no matter how awful it is, and concerned members of the public who decry the detrimental impact their music has had on society since their 1983 inception.
Remarked one self described victim of Bon Jovi’s music: “My sister bought ‘Slippery When Wet’ back in 1986 – when I was ten years old. It was the first time I’d ever heard Bon Jovi, and as I listened I was struck with a sudden overwhelming urge to kill myself. I was too young to realize what was happening, much less know how to deal with such dark emotions at such a young age, and was deeply traumatized. In fact, even to this day, like a scent that stirs a long distant memory I get the same inexplicable impulse to commit suicide whenever I hear one of their songs. Fortunately I’m now old and mature enough to understand that it’s just Bon Jovi’s shitty music and it’ll soon pass, but I think they should be stopped so nobody else has to go through what I did, and I think my family should be reimbursed by their record label for my psychiatrist bills.”
In an effort to limit the spread of the scourge that is Bon Jovi, the CDC has ordered over five hundred thousand prophylactic ear plugs to be distributed to citizens in high risk areas by public health officials across the country along with an informational pamphlet entitled “So You’ve Heard” designed to raise awareness about Bon Jovi and other similar pathogenic hair bands such as White Snake and Motley Crue.
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