NBC's exhilerating new game show "Deal or No Deal" attracted the viewership of 52 million patriotic citizens in its return to primetime last night, record breaking numbers for a program of its kind.

Hosted by funny man Howie Mandel, the show features enemies of the state condemned to death who are confronted with twenty-six sealed briefcases containing symbols representing various forms of execution - ranging from the most torturous to the relatively painless - from which they must randomly select one before opening the others individually, revealing the modes of death within - the pressure mounting with each round as the traitorous man or woman is tempted by an anonymous hooded entity known only as "the Hangman" to accept an offer of extermination in exchange for what might be in their chosen case - prompting Mandel to ask the all-important question - Deal or No Deal?

Does less pain come to the bold, or does recklessness breed excruciating agony?

The first contestant in last night's game, a convicted seditionist, proved most fortunate in the early going as he picked cases containing the fire and razor blade cards - thereby eliminating his prospects of being burnt or slowly sliced by scalpel wielding children until dead, inducing the man to reject the Hangman's offer to be thrown into an electrified swimming pool. Much to the delight of the audience however, the man's luck soon changed as he chose the gun, the noose and the syringe consecutively, removing all three of the most pleasant forms of execution, and before long, still facing the possibility that opening his case would mean being devoured by starving feral dogs or meticulously impaled through the anus and neck on a large spit and placed in the sun to perish slowly of dehydration, the man solemnly conceded to the hysterical pleas of his friends and family to accept the Hangman's compromise of being stomped to death by stampeding buffalo.

In the show's second half, a woman convicted of making disparaging remarks against the President during a stand-up comedy routine turned down offers to be keelhauled, locked in a freezer, and buried alive in garbage before making a deal to be used as a crash test dummy in a collision test for show sponsor Ford's new 2007 Expedition.

"This show has enormous redeeming value. America needs a show like this," remarked Mandel, explaining, "After a long hard day at work people need a vent for all the suppressed aggression they build up, and what could be more cathartic than watching someone you can really hate being put to death in an excruciatingly painful manner?"

Added Mandel: "Besides, it's a lot of fun!"