August 10, 2005             [home]  [contact]  [links] [disclaimer] [boycott list]

The Show

The Fox network’s new show “So You Think You Can Buy Things” debuted last night to stellar ratings and critical acclaim, outpacing its primetime competition with an estimated audience of 14 million viewers.

The show, spawned by a collaboration between the creators of “So You Think You Can Dance” and “American Idol” along with the producers of the Home Shopping Network’s “Shop ‘Til You Drop” is the ultimate search for the nation's best shopper. If you think the competition is tough on other TV talent shows, you haven't seen anything yet! Some contestants will collapse under the pressure, others will reveal their inner frugality and one will consume his or her way into America's heart on their way to winning a $100,000 gift certificate to the Mall of America!

The Buzz

"So You Think You Can Buy Things is a surefire hit. Finally a TV show that everyday America can truly relate to and play along with!" - James Drummond, Sarasota Intelligencer

 

So You Think You Can Buy Things? - Patronize Our Sponsors!

  
The Shoppers
  
Recap
Name: Maggie Porter

Maggie, Sharon, Michael and Amy came out firing on the premiere episode, each exhibiting their uncommon ability to buy things in carefree fashion. Highlights included Maggie's purchase of thirty-six pairs of shoes from Barney's and Michael's quip "Now all I need to do is learn how to swim" after spending over $3,000 on scuba equipment while Sharon dazzled the audience by demonstrating her combination of talent for indiscriminate consumption and verbal abuse when she called a customer support representative a 'ho' while ordering the entire 'Facts of Life' series DVD collection from the Home Shopping Network.

Meanwhile, nobody was voted off the show as Robert was eliminated by default when he slipped into a coma that lasted the duration of the show.

 

Final Words

"This is all Donovan McNabb's fault. The Patriots had that spread covered. How do you go from vomiting from dehydration one minute to throwing a pinpoint 40-yard touchdown pass to the back of the endzone the next? I got a five thousand dollar beating for that one." - Robert
Age: 29
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Marital Status: Divorced
Occupation: Stewardess, waitress, telemarketer
Bio: After a shopping spree where she spent sixty-four hours and over $12,000 at her local mall, Maggie returned home to find her husband of four years had left and taken her two kids, Dylan and Patricia.
Quote: "In hindsight," she says, "I have no regrets. Technically I'm single, but those who know me know I'm married to the mall"
Name: Robert Hammond
Age: 34
Hometown: Raleigh, NC
Marital Status: Single
Occupation: Unemployed

Bio: Robert has lost all his original teeth and has had his pancreas and both legs removed as a result of severe beatings he's suffered at the hands of gambling bookmakers after not being able to cover bets he has made trying to supplement his love for buying things. Not to be deterred, he currently conducts his shopping online.
Quote: "They can take my legs, but they can never take my freedom to spend"
Name: Sharon Jones
Age: 30
Hometown: Newark, NJ
Marital Status: Married
Occupation: Homemaker
Bio: Sharon has become a self-proclaimed queen of the home shopping networks after pleading no contest to aggravated assault for bludgeoining a rival shopper with a discounted DVD player in a Wal-Mart during an Easter sale and being sentenced to house arrest
Quote: "When I shop, I keep it real. I don't play that 99 cent store (stuff) - Macy's roll the red carpet out for the queen. (My competitors) better recognize"
Name: Michael Burgess
Age: 44
Hometown: Dallas, TX
Marital Status: Single
Occupation: Real estate agent, landscaper, janitor, grave digger
Bio: Michael says he was "Born to buy things". He once purchased a gazebo and $2,000 worth of lawn furniture despite living in a one bedroom apartment on the tenth floor and not having any family or friends.
Quote: "I might have to work 90 hours a week to support my lifestyle, but when I look around my place at all my stuff I know its worth it"
Name: Amy Gallo
Age: 26
Hometown: St. Louis, MO
Marital Status: Single
Occupation: Exotic Dancer
Bio: Amy takes great pride in the fact that she spends within one week every cent of the $300 she averages a night dancing in an airport area strip club. Her plans for the future? "I don't know" she says.
Quote: "I'm not looking to settle down yet. I'm having too much fun. Well, unless a guy with the right car came along"