Lord of the Rings of Freedom

October 17, 2004 [home] [contact ] [links] [disclaimer] [boycott list]

Lord of the Rings of Freedom -

a Short Screenplay by: George W. Bush

Good Lord Bush (me) rides up to the edge of a hunted forest on my mountain bike and wait for Dick Cheney who is a slower rider and when he finally catches up he trips his bike over a twig and falls into a pricker patch.

Dick

Ouch I scraped my knee.

Dick looks up and sees the hunted forest and looks scared and everyone in the audience can see it in his eyes how scared he is because he really looks fritened.

Dick

Oh no a hunted forest! How will we get around it to chase the Rings of Freedom that have been stolen by hippy hobbits that we must get back to keep everybody free and safe from terror?

Don’t be scared Dick. We simply must go through the forest.

Dick

But couldn’t we just burn it down?

No Dick. The hippy hobbits who stole the ring are to far a head of us for fire to catch up to them. Hippy hobbits are lazy but they can go faster than fire in there tofu-powered roller skates. Besides, we wouldn’t want to melt the Rings of Freedom. And besides we are armed to the teeth with a bunch of awesome guns and grenade launchers and stuff like that.

Dick

Of course Good Lord Bush. You are right again. What would become of us without your ledership?

You would be in big trouble.

And so we enter the hunted forest in pursute of the hippy hobbits and are making good time until Dick runs over a Dorito on the ground next to a group of pregnent maidens having a picnic and flys off his bike again.

Dick

Ouch I broke my glasses. Now I cant see.

Gosh darnit. You’ll have to excuse him ladies I say to the maidens having the picnic he can be very clumsy.

Pregnent Maidens Having Picnic

That’s okay. Say, you’re kind of cute.

While Dick is messing with his glasses and I’m lecturing the pregnent maidens on abstination I notice something evil happening on the ground all around us. A bunch of cells that look like little twigs start crawling around on the ground and swarming over each other building a big ugly tree.

Oh no those are stem cells. Look out girls!

But its too late for some of them. The stem cell tree grabs one of the maidens with one branch and tries to pull her baby out of her stomach with another.

Stem Cell Tree

Yum Yum! I love to eat babies! ARRRR!

Not so fast you evil tree! I shout and pulled a rocket launcher from behind my back and shoot the stem cell tree right in its hidius face.

Stem Cell Tree

ARRRR! You killed me!

So we move on with me carrying Dick on my back since he cant see without his glasses to ride his bike which we left back around where the pregnent maidens were having a picnic until the stem cell tree tried to eat them and they ran away. Sudenly we reach a bridge guarded by an evil troll petting a dead skull.

Evil Troll

Stop right there! I am an evil troll and I guard this bridge. None shall pass without corectly spelling three words right. If you fale I will turn you into a democrat. Are you ready?

Bring it on.

Evil Troll

Spell the word cat.

C-A-T

Evil Troll

Very good. Now spell the word shoe.

S-H-O-E

Evil Troll

Good. Now spell the word cassel.

C-A-S-S-E-L.

Evil Troll

Ok your free to go.

So we cross the bridge guarded by the evil troll and travel all day and all night until we smell the smell of trail mix and bean sprowts being cooked over an open flame.

Shhh Dick. Do you smell that? It must be the hippy hobbits!

Dick

If you think so your probably right.

So me and Dick jump out from the bushes with our M-16s drawn.

Me and Dick

AHA! Got you know!

But there aren’t any hippy hobbits around the fire. Instead a huge black cassel stands before us.

Dick

It was a trap!

Duh I know.

Sudenly a dark evil figure emerges from the cassel tossing the Rings of Freedom up and down in the air.

Oh no it’s the Dark Lord Kerry my ark enemy.

Dark Lord Kerry

So we meat again President Bush. So glad you could make it. I’ve been waiting for you. Are these Rings of Freedom what your looking for?

Yes.

Dark Lord Kerry

Well you will have to fight me to the death to get them!

Okay.

So I pull out a grenade launcher and shot it at Dark Lord Kerry. The grenade hits off the cassel and bounces about thirty feet away but when it blows up a small little bit of shrapnel hits the Dark Lord Kerry in the shoulder and he starts to cry like a little girl.

Dark Lord Kerry

OWEE OWEE OWEE! It hurts so bad! Boo hoo I want my mommy!

And the Dark Lord Kerry drops the Rings of Freedom and runs off crying into the forest like a big baby. The Good Lord Bush (me) puts the rings back in my pocket where they belong and I walk away triumfantly while Dick walks in circles running into trees.

This way Dick!

THE END