Republican Congressman Lamar Allen Stepping Down to Spend More Time With His Cousin Gary

Congressman Lamar Allen (R-MO) shocked Capitol Hill today by announcing his resignation, cutting short his fifth term representing Missouri's 10th district by sixteen months in order to spend more time with his cousin Gary Marshall of Casper, Wyoming.

Allen, who was reprimanded by the House Ethics Committee for using funds procured from a Jack Abramoff slush fund to finance a solo trip to Euro Disney in 2005, and is currently under investigation for misusing his office to push through an earmark for the expansion of a freeway near a St. Louis male exotic bar owned by a business partner of his, will join President Bush's Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove and former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert as the third noteworthy Republican to abruptly abdicate his post in order to spend more time with his family in the last month.

"It's just the right thing to do," Allen told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, "I apologize to the wonderful people I've proudly represented and fought for in Congress for the past ten years, but I feel that at this point in my life I should be spending more time with my family."

The 57 year-old Marshall, Allen's cousin and only known living relative, commented on the story in a phone interview from his home in Casper, where he owns and operates a tow truck service.

"Things aint too bad actually, so I don't know what he's talking about. I had a real itchy rash all over my body last week, and the truck was broke down for a few days, but I got a salve from the clinic in town and am back on the road," he said.

Marshall then added: "And besides, for the life of me I can't think of why Lamar would want to come visit me. The last time I saw him was when he was seven and I was ten, and my friend Chuck and me tied him to a tree covered in fire ants and shot him in the leg with a crossbow."

As of yet, Allen has not clarified when or where he will propose getting in contact with his cousin Gary.

Commented Marshall: "I guess I'll see the guy if he wants to see me so bad, but he's not staying with me. My trailer's only got one bedroom, and the couch is too small. What's he thinking, anyway? We're gonna sit around doing puzzles and talking about our feelings? I don't need that kind of shit."