High Fuel Prices Forcing Drunk Drivers to Trade Gas for Booze

As the average cost of a gallon of gasoline continues to linger above $4 nationwide, the record high cost of fuel is having a deepening impact on the way most Americans spend their money, not least of all those who prefer to drive drunk, a new study shows.

According to Newsweek, Americans possessing an inability to refrain from consuming legally significant amounts of alcohol for more than short consecutive periods of time are amongst those feeling the biggest pinch at the pump.

"Unlike most Americans who've been able to stay on the road by driving less and trimming their discretionary purchases, an increasing number of individuals who require large quantities of liquor just to make it through their daily lives can no longer afford the gas required to drive drunk to their typically low paying jobs, leading to a downward spiral towards oblivion should they not be able to find alternative employment within stumbling distance of their shabby apartments," remarked Mark Frost of the US Motorists Bureau.
 
Though police reports that show nationwide increases in alcohol related bicycling accidents and arrests for public intoxication and indecent exposure on busses and subways indicate more former drunk drivers are starting to use alternative means of transportation, it's believed that many more have simply withdrawn from society.

Slurred one man regarding the high cost of gas: "At first I was all, like, no problem. I'll just drink a little less. No problem. It'll be good for me. But that didn't work, so I figured, hey, no problem - I'll start a carpool or some shit like that, but nobody wanted to join, so I said fuck it."

Citing a common tendency amongst avid drunk drivers to give up in the face of even the most minor of obstacles, Dr. Tanya Pierce delineated the rising danger this vulnerable population faces as fuel prices continue to soar.

"The bottom line here is that the vast majority of habitual drunk drivers don't drive drunk because they really like to drive and just happen to also be intoxicated most of the time. On the contrary, these people love to get loaded and just happen to occassionally need to go places," Pierce said.

"In the same way a drunk would doubtlessly trade watching arena football in a comfortable chair while drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle for drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle on the floor while staring at the wall if the cost of recliners and cable TV got too high, most will stop driving to work and turn down the road to abject ruin before they cut into their drinking."