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High Fuel Prices Forcing Drunk Drivers to Trade Gas for Booze
As the average cost of a gallon of gasoline continues to linger above $4 nationwide, the record high cost of fuel is having a deepening impact on the way most Americans spend their money, not least of all those who prefer to drive drunk, a new study shows.
Slurred one man regarding the high cost of gas: "At first I was all, like, no problem. I'll just drink a little less. No problem. It'll be good for me. But that didn't work, so I figured, hey, no problem - I'll start a carpool or some shit like that, but nobody wanted to join, so I said fuck it."
Citing a common tendency amongst avid drunk drivers to give up in the face of even the most minor of obstacles, Dr. Tanya Pierce delineated the rising danger this vulnerable population faces as fuel prices continue to soar.
"The bottom line here is that the vast majority of habitual drunk drivers don't drive drunk because they really like to drive and just happen to also be intoxicated most of the time. On the contrary, these people love to get loaded and just happen to occassionally need to go places," Pierce said.
"In the same way a drunk would doubtlessly trade watching arena football in a comfortable chair while drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle for drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle on the floor while staring at the wall if the cost of recliners and cable TV got too high, most will stop driving to work and turn down the road to abject ruin before they cut into their drinking."
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