Gay Republicans Pour from Closet as Draft Appears More Likely

With the possibility of a military draft looming larger as conditions in Iraq fail to improve and the rhetoric of the Bush administration towards Iran, Syria and North Korea grows more ominous, scores of republican men are announcing for the first time that they are gay, reports indicate.

In towns all across the nation, the sheer number and radical transformation of once conservative, pro-military young men stampeding from the closet has shocked non-draft age neighbors in recent months.

“Its like the world went all topsy-turvy,” marveled Harold Marshall, 65 of Gatlinburg, Tennessee, “The young men round these parts used to be manly and patriotic.  You’d see ‘em cruisin’ down the highway in their big pick-up trucks, a huge American flag flying over their cabs, flappin’ in the breeze, talkin’ about kicking ass down at the bar… but not no more.  Now they’re flyin’ them rainbow flags, lickin’ pink strawberry ice cream cones and jumpin’ on trampolines.”

Indeed, consumer reports show that sales for conservative and military themed paraphernalia are declining while demand for gay themed merchandise has taken off.

Reported Jesse Ames, a proprietor of a shop that sells t-shirts and bumper stickers in Louisville, Kentucky: “Our top sellers used to be stickers and shirts with slogans such as ‘Mess with the Best, Die with the Rest’ and ‘Nuke France’, but those days are long gone.”

Asked what the hottest items are currently among draft age men Ames replied, “Oh, stuff like ‘I’d Be Straight… If I Were A Girl’, ‘I’m Not Queer But My Boyfriend Raphael Is’, ‘Does This Cock In My Mouth Make Me Look Queer?’ You know, stuff like that.” 

Meanwhile, other bellwethers of a queer revolution are emerging.  For example,  membership rolls of gay rights organizations affiliated with the ACLU and other organizations have swelled to bursting all over the country while the movies “The Wizard of Oz” and “Rocky Horror Picture Show” have begun to run on so many movie screens nationwide that they are rivaling the numbers of some new release features for box office revenue.

Commented Freddy “Cocoa” Rohrbacher, a 21 year old former auto mechanic currently enrolled in Primpton Beauty Acadamy who recently proclaimed his homosexuality, “My gayness has nothing to do with the war, or the draft or any of that icky stuff.  I’m a damn queer and I’m proud of it!  I like to spend my time shopping for little ballerina costumes, riding waterslides, and going to Renaissance fairs with my boyfriend Donatello, and if anyone’s got a problem with it or says otherwise, I’ll rip their fucking lungs out!”

*In no way is the above article meant to disparage homosexuals, whose perpetual struggle against the oppression they face as a maligned minority every day qualifies them as more brave and respectable than the average white right winger, who can only find the nerve to fight against those he has outgunned and outnumbered.