Ask a Taliban Home Improvement Expert
With: Handy Hamdi

Handy Hamdi is a hardware and home improvement expert willing and able to answer any question regarding your next household project.

Hey Handy,
My hallway ceiling has a crack and some mildew stains from an old leak, and my wife keeps bugging me to re-plaster it. I told her to just not look up on her way to the bathroom (haha), but she's quite persistent. How would I go about such a project? Do I need any special tools?

Gary in Indiana

As-salamu alaykum Gary,
My friend, mildew is the least of your worries. For the ceiling, you will need joint compound, an edge cutter and a wall trowel. For your treacherous wife, rape is a most useful tool. Begin raping your wife two-to-three times a day until she starts to behave, then continue to rape her at least once a week so she doesn't forget who is boss.

Howdy Hamdi,
I've got a leaky faucet, and I've never replaced one before. How can I fix this so I stop wasting water?

Tim in Wabash

As-salamu alaykum Tim,
For your leaking faucet this might be as simple as replacing your seat washer. If this does not work, you will need to first turn off both supply lines to the faucet, remove the handle and the cartridge (this is a brass mechanism full of o-rings, washers, etc), unzip you pants and insert your penis into the hole. Repeat this motion several times until you are sweating profusely and have savagely raped your faucet.

Hey Hamdi,
I've been trying to spend more quality time with my son, only his interests lie mostly in theater and dance while I'm more of a guy's guy. Could you suggest a shop project we might both enjoy - like maybe building a doghouse or something?

Mike in San Diego

As-salamu alaykum Mike,
My friend, your son is a homosexual. To fix this, use a wrench to beat him with until he is dead. Then rape your dog.