Study Finds Heroin Cures Affects of Life on Life

Heroin, a derivative of the anesthetic morphine, has been found to effectively cure the affects of life on the lives of its users, according to a study authored by Aaron Brindell, formerly of the California Institute of Technology.

Also known as "smack", "junk", "H" and "scag", heroin successfully treated every strain of life in 100% of the subjects who participated in the study's trials.

"It's great. It's just, woosh…" Brindell wrote as the conclusion of his study.

Brindell, whose previous research focusing on the role of cross-talk between Ras and Rho GTPase signaling pathways in the motility and proliferation of tumor cells had to be abandoned for lack of funding, went on to call heroin, "The most awesome thing ever."

"I used to really care about things, you know? About work, my girlfriend… I couldn't help it. Now I'm like, 'fuck all that shit'," Brindell said.

Looking to expand upon his heroin research, Brindell's next project will seek to delineate the correlation the use of the drug has on making "kick-ass" music versus "total crap".

"Kurt Cobain, Elliott Smith, Lou Reed, Layne Staley, Charlie Parker – the list of incredible musicians who did junk goes on and on," Brindell said, "Now look at Counting Crows. Or Good Charlotte. Man, they suck."