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Horoscopes for Heroin Addicts 


fAries (March 21 - April 20) Coworkers will begin to get suspicious when you’re found asleep in a bathroom stall with a tube around your arm and a syringe sticking out of your vein for the fourth time this month.  Tonight: Try to choke down some food

fTaurus (April 21 - May 21) Watching you smoke so much heroin is really upsetting your friends and family – especially since cooking and injecting it is around ten times more cost efficient.  Tonight: Its always a good idea not to smoke in bed when you're high

fGemini (May 22 - June 21) You’ll experience a strong sense of déjà vu when your new neighbor asks if you’ll move to the kitchen sink on the other end of your apartment to puke while he and his family are eating their dinner.  Tonight: Call a long lost friend and hit him up for some cash

fCancer (June 22 - July 22) Your insistence that you don’t have a problem at the intervention will be undermined when you fall through a screen door and your heart stops beating.  Tonight: Remind those snooty nurses they're no better than you

fLeo (July 23-August 22) Listen up Magellan: Everyone knows you’re a real fearless explorer in constant search for the ultimate high, but trust me, heroin and acid just don’t mix.  Tonight: Sleep in the shower.  Just trust us.

fVirgo (August 23 - September 22) You’ll find watching contemporary primetime network sitcoms and hitting yourself over the head with a good sized book an even better substitute for heroin than paregoric when you’re fiending.  Tonight: Burglarize your neighbor's pad and treat yourself to some smack

fLibra (September 23 - October 23) Your initial sadness about being evicted from your apartment this week will be replaced with unbridled excitement when you realize how much heroin spending money you'll save by not having to pay rent.  Tonight: Its going to be cold, so bundle up tight or score some heroin

fScorpio (October 24 - November 22) The middle part of your perception of your lifestyle as “Cool tortured soul chic” will be validated when you are sexually assaulted by a homeless wino in an abandoned building.  Tonight: Some of your toes seem to be turning black. Pheh...

fSagittarius (November 23 - December 21)   It seems you’ve been overlooking your long term financial interests.  Consider investing what money you don’t immediately need for getting high into mutual funds or an IRA account to insure that you’ll have the resources to get high in your golden years.  Tonight: Bring your own needle to Pablo's. He's dirty

fCapricorn (December 22 - January 20) The public embarrassment you will feel when you shit your pants on a city bus this week will fortunately be softened by the 20mg of heroin you pumped into your arm that morning.  Tonight: Accept it - you're no Elliott Smith. Take that old guitar down to the pawn shop

fAquarius (January 21 - February 18) People on the street just don’t seem to be buying the line that you need money for medical school fees.  Try telling them it’s for new teeth instead. Tonight: Rebut your mother's lectures by reminding her of her own addiction to Diet Pepsi

fPisces (February 19 - March 20) Hey, happy birthday! If you’ve managed to keep your little habit a secret to your friends and family, look forward to getting some presents you can pawn for smack.  Otherwise, you’re likely to get a bunch of lousy free dinners, trips to the zoo full of sunshine and exercise, etc. Tonight: Be on guard against cotton fibers - they're a good high's worst enemy

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