|Home||World||National||Opinion||Local||Entertainment||Home And Garden||Advice||Farts And Giggles|
News from the Future: Government Plan Offers Incentives for Abortions, Suicide
Jan. 28, 2115 – Our most exalted leader President George Handsomefellow Bush III announced today the inception of a new federal program dubbed “Heroes Way Out” that will grant valuable rewards to citizens who choose to end their own lives, that of their fetuses, or both.
Everyone is hailing the new program, which was both conceived and approved by the President, as a breathtakingly brilliant idea that will go far towards alleviating the nation’s overpopulation problem, allowing the non-superfluous segment of the country more space to enjoy their material possessions.
Spoke one American highly in favor of the new plan, “I used to think that every life, regardless of whether it was merely a loose amalgamation of undifferentiated cells or whatever, was precious and that abortion was wrong until the sprawl of the city reached my rural doorstep. That’s when I said ‘Enough is enough’. I mean, why should I, as a reasonably happy and affluent person with lots of inanimate things to live for be forced to choke to death on the toxic fumes of the poor? It’s utterly absurd.”
Preliminary reports regarding the program suggest that it will reward citizens who opt to participate with compensation upwards of 0.1% of the value of the physical components that can be potentially harvested from their corpses or those of their fetuses – including organs, stem cells, teeth and fillings. For instance, if a woman aborts a fetus containing ten million dollars worth of cellular resources, she might get a choice between a voucher for a free cheeseburger and french fries or a two-pack of batteries. If the woman kills herself along with her unborn child, her surviving family could receive two cheeseburgers and an extra large order of fries or a four pack of batteries – enough to keep a radio operational for 2-3 months.
“Being unemployed with a baby on the way and no way to pay for it, I can honestly say this offer is highly tempting,” commented a man hunting pigeons with a slingshot, “But it’ll be hard to choose between urging my wife to get the abortion or do the chivalrous thing and shoot myself. And then, do we go for the free burger and fries or the batteries for the radio so we can listen for when and where the next free food bank will open.”
Furthermore, a formal statement released by the White House silenced some early critics who have voiced objections over the perceived possibility that women might intentionally get pregnant in order to abuse the system by qualifying that hysterectomies would be a prerequisite to collecting compensation under its bylaws.
“It is my belief that it is not only in the best interest of those who might benefit from Heroes Way Out to take full advantage, but it is their heroic duty,” proclaimed the President during a morning press conference, “Because the alternative is a perpetuation of endless warfare, pollution and pestilence where the good people of the world can’t even get to their country club for a round of golf without being viciously set upon by marauding legions of gaunt, toothless ghouls or succumbing to heat or carbon monoxide asphyxiation because the traffic is so bad they have to walk. But just remember this: to collect on the programs offer your body has to be intact enough to be visually identifiable, so stepping off a building or in front of a train is highly discouraged.”
|Winners of Trinity High School's 15th Annual Christian Science Fair|
|Nation’s Elderly Looking to Porn to Support Expensive Pharmaceutical Habits|
|I’m Turning You Blind Because You’re Ugly and I Hate You - By: Jesus Christ|
|Osama Bin Laden Begins Threatening Americans Individually Via Email|