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Post-Election Tips for Making the Holidays Great Again!

The election is finally over, and (thank goodness;), its almost time for the holidays! Here are a few tips to help make yours great again!

• In the revived spirit of self-determination, help make the holidays great again by inviting all your guests to make their own Thanksgiving dinners and eat them at home!

• Feeling gassy? Make a toast to deregulation and let 'er rip! That's freedom your smelling!

• If you have a Jew in your family (and who doesn't?!) help them feel more comfortable and Thanksgiving great again by taking down all your portraits of Hitler. After all, its just for one night!

• Delegate! delegate! delegate! Its impossible to do Thanksgiving by yourself, and let's face it - there are certain jobs you just don't want to do. For example, have your niece's half Latino something-or-other husband give the garage a fresh new coat of paint while you baste the turkey!

• Don't let political arguments ruin the day. Family time is to be cherished, so if your liberal relatives have a rebuttal to any of the opinions you express, help make the holidays great again by politely telling them to shut the fuck up!

• The holidays are a time to count your blessings, and no blessing is more important than a person's good health. However, if someone at the table is dying or has just been diagnosed with cancer or something like that, help make the holidays great again by leaving that part out of the toast unless they're gay.

• Like all things liberal, their reign of culinary terror is over! Toss out that recipe for walnut gorgonzola kale salad and help make the holidays great again with food that actually taste good - like mac n' wieners and Pizza Pockets!

• If you don't like either the vacuum cleaner or dildo your husband got you for Christmas, help make the holidays great again by taking the latter and going and fucking yourself!

• Did you know that Santa Claus isn't even from America?

• If a tight holiday budget leads to disappointed faces around the Christmas tree, help make the holidays great again by explaining to your children that you would have bought them more presents if a Mexican hadn't stolen your job!

• Help put the Christ back into Christmas and the holidays great again by painting swastikas all over your local synagogue or mosque!

• Instead of buying gifts this year, consider using that money, your 401k and any other stocks you might own to buy gold!

Until next year, happy holidays!

 

 
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