Grandmother Arrested for Indecent Exposure at Garage
By Guest Writer: Stephen Druce

Tim Hargreaves of Leicester mistakenly squirted fuel through a rusty hole in his car instead of the fuel tank, drenching his grandmother who was sitting in the back seat Saturday.

"You put your nozzle in the wrong hole!" Tim's wife Susan reprimanded him for the gaffe, which reportedly soaked the elder Mrs. Hargreaves to her knickers.

"I put my nozzle in the wrong hole?" Mr. Hargreaves replied. "This is no time for innuendo dear, we're in a crisis - I have accidentally sprayed grandma with the gooey stuff," he added.

"You've sprayed grandma with the gooey stuff? This is no time for innuendo dear, we must remove grandma's clothing. She can wear my coat until we get home," Mrs. Hargreaves replied.

The pair commenced removing Mr. Hargrieves' grandmother's clothes beside the pumps, an indiscretion that captured the attention of the garage's cashier, Beatrice Pennington.

"Officer, a man and a woman have taken an old women's clothes off and she is naked on the garage forecourt caked in diesel," the police dispatch recorded Mrs. Pennington. "The man pumped a load all over her," she added.

"Pumped a load all over her? This is no time for innuendo madam," the responding officer replied.

Mr. Hargreaves later pled with the officer for leniency after his mother was arrested for indecent exposure.

"This sorry episode will besmirch her good name," Mr. Hargreaves petitioned. "It's all my fault - I stripped her off - I'm the one that filled her knickers with juice."

"Filled her knickers with juice?" the officer remarked as he had the elder Mrs. Hargreaves place her hands on the hood of his patrol car. "This is no time for innuendo sir, we're in a crisis - my car is almost out of fuel. I'm going to have to spread your grandmother's legs and syphon some diesel from out of her ass."

"Spread her legs?" Mr. Hargreaves recalls to have countered. "This is no time for innuendo officer - we may have a crisis here. What will happen if you penetrate her tunnel and discover there's no fluid?"

"Penetrate her tunnel and discover there's no fluid?" said the officer while aspirating the viscous liquid from between the senior's sodden cheeks. "This is no time for innuendo. I've just had a message on the radio that the cashier lady at the garage has made a complaint that you left without paying the £5.00 for fuel."

Mr. Hargreaves offer to pop in the next day to, "Give it to her," was flatly refused.

"Give it to her?" the officer snapped. "This is no time for innuendo sir - you owe the woman £5.00."

"But I haven't got any money officer," Mr. Hargreaves reportedly remonstrated. "There's a fiver in grandma's vagina - you can take it out of there," he ventured.

"In her vagina sir," the officer came back. "She hides her cash there? She must be really tight."

"She must be really tight? This is no time for innuendo," Mr. Hargreaves reportedly replied.