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Australia Elects Kangaroo Prime Minister
Romper!, a western grey kangaroo, was elected Prime Minister of Australia last night in the latest of a series of stunning right-wing political upsets to rock the Western World.
"I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. I thought never in Australia," Australia's Liberal Party Leader Richard Alston remarked after Romper!'s narrow victory over incumbent Malcolm Turnbull was announced. "Not Australia. Oh, God."
A staunchly conservative kangaroo, the 14 year-old, 180 pound marsupial and his dingo running mate Nicholas rode a wave of populist nationalism to their country's highest office in part by promising to personally beat up and eat the babies of any refugee seeking asylum in the land down under.
"EAAAAGGH!" Romper! brayed over his victory rally last night, giving rise to resounding chants of the dark horse candidate's campaign slogan and complete platform.
"EAAAAGGH! EAAAAGGH!" thousands cheered.
"Romper! isn't just another Canberra insider. He's a fighter!" one supporter rejoiced, alluding to a recently famous incident where Romper! punched Government Senate Leader George Brandis in the nose. "Romper! is going to fight for Australia! He's going to send all those bludgering refos packing!"
His last hope appeal for a recount notwithstanding, Alston could only continue to shake his head at the revelation that his country is also stupid.
"Not Australia... not Australia..." he muttered repeatedly under his breath.
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