Kate Middleton Disemboweled by Paparazzi

Kate Middleton and her unborn child are dead today after the duchess was disemboweled by paparazzi.

Witnesses report Middleton had just left a Kensington maternity boutique when a horde of reporters chased her down the street, knocked her to the ground and began tearing at her abdomen in a race to obtain the first photo of the future king or queen.

"It's a boy!" the Sun's daily headline beamed over a close-up of Middleton's gutted corpse, conflicting with another headline from the Daily Star declaring the baby was a girl. Both concurred however that the child was very small.

A second wave of paparazzi acquired exclusive footage of the first group's evisceration of the duchess.

"They tore her apart like a Boxing Day ham. With their bare hands they plundered the duchess's womb like children opening a Christmas gift," read an account of the attack in The Daily Mirror.

The Daily Mirror story continued: "And according to expert medical opinion of the Sun and Mail’s photos, it's a gall bladder."