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Is Sexually Assaulting Only 2 3 5 Women During the 80s a Bad Thing?
By: Rudy Giuliani

Two weeks into all the hoopla surrounding Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court nomination, I have just one question.

Seriously? A man who grew up during the 80s and only sexually assaulted 2 3 5 women is a bad guy? Seriously?!

Perhaps I'm the only one who remembers that heady decade, what with all the cocaine and booze-fueled gang rape parties that were the norm, but that's just how the 80s were. You went to a party, did some coke or got blackout drunk, and you probably raped some people. Hello?!

I mean, really? 2 3 5 sexual assaults? In the 80s? The man should be canonized for sainthood!

I suppose that if you hadn't been raised during those tumultuous times that maybe you wouldn't understand. You'd take one look at all of our unnecessary zippers, big hair and loose attitude towards sexual assault and think that we were all nuts. I guess I get that. But it's called cultural relativism, people. And to crucify a boy who only engaged in this contemporary pastime 2 3 5 times?! For shame.

From experience, I can speak to Brett Kavanaugh's virtue. 2 3 5 sexual assaults was a slow day for me back then. Every morning I'd put on my Izod alligator shirt and pull on my parachute pants and checkered Vans and immediately start sexually assaulting people. My sister would get it first. Most new days for that girl began with my junk in her face. It was really funny. Then I'd move on to our nanny and our maid, raping them or otherwise sexually assaulting them both in one way or another before I left the house for school, when the real hijinks would begin.

Oh, to think of how many of my big-haired classmates I sexually assaulted back then. Even the teachers and administration were fair game. I can still remember the look on my P.E. teacher Mr. McPhee's face when I shoved that softball bat up his butt! Those were good times.

Now, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Collusion is not a crime!

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