Report: Killing Business Not So Good

The latest killing sector data continues to disappoint. New reports show that Americans killed 16,000 people abroad over the past quarter – fewer than any other since before the United States invaded Iraq in 2003.

With the wars in both Iraq and Afghanistan contracting and no new large-scale armed conflicts on the horizon, the bad numbers suggest there is no rebound in sight for the slumping industry.

"The killing sector is highly cyclical," remarked economic analyst Sidney Crowe, "It's a boom or bust industry – and right now the booms are unfortunately few and far between."

On Wall Street, shares of Death Fund mainstays such as Raytheon and Halliburton have been feeling the pinch as Pentagon coffers tighten their screws, but the impact on Main Street has had a a more tangible impact.

Discharged from the Army in February, Robert Weddell of Gassville, Arkansas has had difficulty adapting to a domestic job market where federal and state regulations make his killing skills all but obsolete.

"Used to be you could coast through high school and be assured a stable, decent paying job with the military killing foreign folks overseas," Weddell lamented "Sadly it seems those days are gone."

Though Weddell recently gained employment at a Subway restaurant, he called his small wage and the fact that he'd face arrest should he ever shoot a customer to death "a damn shame".