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Kim Jong Un Eats Traitorous Pet Dog Alive
Kim Jong Un's once-powerful dog Mr. Wiggles was shaved bald, thrown into a cage and eaten alive by the ravenous North Korean leader, according to a newspaper with ties to China's ruling Communist Party.
Mr. Wiggles had been considered Kim's second-in-command in the wake of the execution of his uncle Jang Song Thaek, until the 4 year-old Pomeranian was found guilty of attempting to overthrow the state.
According to a statement released by North Korean News Agency KCNA: "Mr. Wiggles was a cursed traitor to the nation for all ages who perpetrated anti-party, counter-revolutionary factional acts in a bid to disrupt the leadership of our state, and is a very bad doggie."
Mr. Wiggles' ouster comes on the heels of Jong Un's recent purge of three chocolate cream pies, which he ate after the desserts were convicted of treason.
In the past year, Jong Un has also reportedly butchered hundreds of capitalist pigs for bacon, purged his starving nation's entire supply of vegetables and detonated a goat.
Commented Jong Un at the time: "The goat who stands accused has led a depraved and dissolute life and is guilty of attempting to seize power by a base method for the purpose of implementing his destructive reformist agenda to appease the treacherous puppet regimes of the West."
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