Koch Industries Introduces New Line of Congressman

Koch Industries has introduced a new line of Congressman they hope will take Capitol Hill by storm this November.

Featuring freshly tailored attributes designed to maximize their appeal to voters, the new Congressmen are physically fit, family-oriented, shaded to reflect the demographic makeup of their state or district, and sport classical matte side-part haircuts.

"I love the new haircuts – and I believe the people will respond strongly to the new Congressmen's earnest expressions and modernized viewpoints," American Crossroads co-founder Karl Rove remarked.

Possessing the ability to deny climate change with a straight face while going 2-6 years without committing adultery or publishing photographs of his genitals on the internet, the new line of public servants are reportedly also very social media-savvy.

"They're very big on Facebook, and they love to tweet," Rove said, "They're very much with it, and would never tweet anything like, 'Somebody tell that Alyssa Milano if she wants to do something about hunger she could hit the kitchen and fix her man a sandwich!"

According to research data available to the public, the Koch's latest brand of political candidate are capable of introducing legislation titled the exact opposite of what it is actually designed to achieve, and were manufactured in China for just under $2 million in untraceable Super PAC money.