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The Weeping Ghost of Lincoln Appears on Larry King to Apologize for not Letting the South Go
Dragging a stack of color shaded electoral college maps for all of the nation’s presidential elections since his assassination, a haggard and distraught apparition of Abraham Lincoln appeared on the Larry King Show to apologize for not letting the South go during his presidency, and, “Completely wasting everybody’s time with the Civil War.”
“I mean look at these voting results. Election after election the South votes the vilest of the vile,” Lincoln spoke, obvious emotion permeating his words, “Whichever candidate has the most conservative, disastrously retrograde agenda, boom; that’s who they go for every time. I mean good gosh, there’s this Bush character, Pat Robertson almost got nominated in 1988... It’s like they’re joking or something. Either that or they’re holding a secret grudge for not being granted their sovereignty back during my time and they just decided to renounce their duty as citizens and embrace craven ignorance out of some spiteful passive aggressive plot to get back at us.”
Lincoln then added derisively under his breath in an affected southern drawl, “What do I need all that fancy book larnin’ long as I got me my plastic pool and a peanut butter an’ jelly? BAAH!"
King attempted to steward his surprise guest towards some semblance of a coherent interview, but all of his questions, including, “So what’s it like to be dead?” and, “Do you harbor any grudge against John Wilkes Booth?” were summarily ignored by the phantom Lincoln, who, being utterly absorbed in his own wretched torment, merely rambled on in ghostly delirium.
“I should’ve just let them go. I should’ve let them go!” he ranted, “Leave them to their sad, paradoxical universe of fear, shame, self-exaltation and tractor pulls. Who could figure these people out? Who would want to consort with such a bunch, much less let them have a say in your affairs? It would be like letting grandma Lincoln run the log cabin after she contracted brain fever. They’re offended by everything… we could’ve had universal health care by now… Oh, woe is me!”
Lincoln then buried his sobbing head in his arms and remained inconsolable for several minutes, forcing the program to cut to commercial. Upon resuming the show, King attempted to take phone calls from the audience, an idea which proved to be in bad judgment. The one and only caller, a J.T. from Alabama, called Lincoln a “Varmint” and challenged him to come to Tuscaloosa and wrestle him one on one in his backyard barbed-wire wrestling ring, to which Lincoln responded by admonishing the man that he thought he heard a tornado coming and he should, “Go cut that engine down from the tree out front.” Lincoln’s foggy form then rose from it’s chair and shouted directly into the camera, “Secede! Secede! Nobody will stop you this time! For God’s sake!” before stalking off the stage
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