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Police Invade Donut City
Cleveland, OH - Four SWAT teams and dozens more local officers participated in what police described as a daring early morning raid of Donut City today.
Authorities say that the incursion was the culmination of a prolonged stand-off with the donut shop's despotic owner-mayor Zheng Dong over numerous state, labor, and health code violations committed during his "reign of terror" over the Walnut Avenue strip mall Donut City occupied since its grand opening in 2005.
"Dong was a diabolical tyrant whose brazen disregard for both the law and common decency made him a cancer in this town," Cleveland PD Sergeant Adam Townsend remarked while munching on a maple cruller.
"Dong ruled over the employees of his illegitimate municipality with an iron fist while endangering the health and convenience of his customers and neighboring businesses for three years, but no more. Today, the totalitarian Dong regime has been pulled down for good. "
The arrest of Dong, who is accused of a litany of atrocities that include deliberately manufacturing and disseminating substances known to cause deadly health conditions, annexing dumpster space from neighboring businesses and disposing recyclable products into the public waste system, reportedly came as welcome news to the employees he is alleged to have systematically oppressed and starved of free donuts for as long as 8 months, one of whom was seen dancing in the parking lot upon his liberation.
"For weeks and weeks I suffered under Dang (sic)," said the woman, "I not only sold the donuts, I was forced to bake the donuts, ice the donuts, and sprinkle the donuts for hours while he watched TV and laughed, and if God forbid I should be caught eating just one of the products of my labor, he would tell me not to."
Cleveland Sheriff Stacey Clemons claims his department gave Dong ample opportunity to reform his ways, but Dong only became more intransigent against the forces aligning against him over the past few months.
"After awhile it became obvious that there was no negotiating with this mad man," Clemons remarked over a nutty chocolate bar and a cup of coffee, "And when we were tipped off that he was planning to make a massive, five foot wide donut to unleash against the Cuyahoga County Fair, we knew we had to take him out."
Many of those close to the deposed former mayor contradict the characterizations made of him by police however, insisting instead that Dong was a kind, harmless businessman, father and grandfather.
"I don't know, I thought he was a pretty nice guy. He might have been a bit tough on some of the workers sometimes, but they kind of deserved it," spoke one Donut City employee who declined to be identified, "And as for that lady who was celebrating outside, I've never seen her before. Personally, I think this whole thing is just about the cops getting some free donuts."
Apprised of the free donut conspiracy theory, Clemens made a scathing rebuttal.
"The raid of Donut City was not about the donuts," he proclaimed, "And in my opinion, anybody who entertains the idea that it was isn't a true Clevelandinian, or Clevelandite, or whatever."
A press release issued this afternoon indicates that the police department will continue to occupy Donut City indefinitely until suitable new management can be installed.
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