Free Market Mayor Ends War on Crime

Calling his police force a "bloated, ineffectual bureaucracy", Belleville, Indiana "free market" Mayor Raymond Shue officially ended the war on crime in his small, Midwestern city by dissolving all of its law enforcement agencies this week.

"Since its inception, the citizens of Belleville have paid in taxes nearly $300 million to fight the war on crime, and guess what happens every year, year after year? That’s right - More crime," Shue declared during a press conference with a local reporter this afternoon, "What’s the point spending all this money trying to solve who shot who when someone else is just going to get shot tomorrow one way or the other? Seems to me this whole business is nothing more than an unfair tax burden on people smart enough to not get themselves shot."

Praising the virtues of free enterprise, Shue argues that the private sector is more than capable of providing investigative services for citizens interested in pursuing crimes they might be victimized of in the future.

"Justice will still be served in Belleville, and at a fair price determined by supply-demand free market dynamics between multiple competing private interests such as Gumshoe’s Incorporated, a law enforcement company that has already opened its doors for business right here in Belleville," Shue proclaimed.

Owned by Shuman’s brother Gus, Gumshoe’s claims to be capable of solving any crime at rates that range from $50 per hour for petty theft to $250 per hour for murder, and even has its own microscope.

"We’ve got our own microscope," boasts a new local television advertisement paid for by Gumshoe’s.

Despite a recent poll that shows 64% of Belleville residents support Shue’s "de-socialization" of local law enforcement, some citizens remain weary.