|Home||World||National||Opinion||Local||Entertainment||Home And Garden||Advice||Farts And Giggles|
Man Somehow More Contemptible Since Winning KFC-Hummer Contest
Buffalo, NY - Already considered to be an utterly detestable individual by everyone he's ever met, thirty-two year-old Tyler Shephard has become somehow more contemptible since winning KFC's "What's in the Box?" sweepstakes last month, says everybody he knows.
"He was always a big fat stupid jerk," remarked his neighbor and former sixth grade teacher Allison Lassiter, "Now I'd say he's more of an idiotic, morbidly obese asshole, which is by no means an improvement."
Shephard, who won the sweepstakes by correctly speculating that what was "in the box" was a year's supply of KFC food, a new Hummer H3 and a gift card for $1000 worth of gas, attributed his good fortune to merely guessing what he most truly hoped the prizes would be.
"Fuckin' KFC and Hummers are totally like my favorite fuckin' food and car. Nothing's more fuckin' American than fried fuckin' chicken and Hummers, bro," Shephard proclaimed via email during a rare hiatus from his busy online schedule of squandering the money he makes from re-selling concert tickets on Ebay at high stakes internet poker tables and hardcore pornography sites, "I'm gonna stick a great big fuckin' American flag on the back of that fucker and take a gravy fueled road trip across the fuckin' country."
Whatever gets him out of town, says everyone who lives there.
"My son's fat butt has been darkening my basement ever since he moved out of his childhood bedroom at the age of twenty, and I can't stand him," said Shephard's mother Gloria, "He says he's going to be a professional poker player. More like a professional jackass."
Next door neighbor Charlene Davis bristled, "It would be great to be able to use at least one of the guest parking spots across the street from our house once in awhile. As it is, that fat turd Tyler's old Toyota and his new surrogate dick on wheels take up all three pretty much 24-7."
In his own defense, Shephard, who is such a tool he actually declined KFC's parent company Yum Brands' offer of $45,000 in lieu of the Hummer and fried chicken, claims the enmity of his neighbors and peers is nothing more than a manifestation of their envy of him.
"They're all just fuckin' jealous because I get to drive a cool car and eat all the fried fuckin' chicken I want while they don't get to, and shit."
Meanwhile, at his current rate of gluttonous consumption, Shephard will deplete the entire value of his gas card and eat his year's supply of KFC Big Box Meals within the next six weeks.
|9 Year-Old Boy Outvoted 3-1 In Family Suicide Pact|
|Debate Corner - "I'm Not Gay" Vs. "Give Me Some Cock!"|
|Sweetie, Wiping Your Semen into Mommy’s Carpet Makes the Baby Jesus Cry - By: Kaitlyn Prendergast|
|Fed Spokesman Reports Economy Going All to Shit|