Douche Bag Writes Girl Love Poem

Manchester, CT - A high school junior's ill conceived attempt to charm a classmate with a self-penned love poem ended in complete, predictable catastrophe yesterday, sources report.

Evidently, 17 year-old gaywad Blair McKinney got the dumb idea to author the preposterously maudlin attempt at verse from the object of his affection herself, Nicole Timmerman, also 17, and, oblivious to the fact that Timmerman is in no way interested in him and was merely playing a cruel joke, spent half the same evening writing it like the total moron he is.

"I've known for awhile that Blair has a crush on me from the way he sneaks furtive glances at my boobs when we're in our peer review groups during creative writing class, so I thought it would be funny to ask him to write his next poem especially for me," Timmerman recounted, "I couldn't believe he actually did it, though. It kind of pissed me off, actually. I mean, gah, he's such a dorky butthole it's insulting that he thought I was actually serious and he had a chance."

As for the poem itself, Timmerman calls it the "gayest, most retarded" thing she's ever read. Meticulously handwritten on a piece of paper since crumpled and stained with the tears of dozens of Wilson High students who have laughed their asses off reading it in the past twenty-four hours, the poem, entitled "Prayers for Love" by the jackass who created it, reads:

Lost in a subterranean labyrinth of lovelessness, I cried out
Drifting through the abyss of outermost space, I yearned
I was alone. It was dark. I was so... alone
Then there was you. My torch, my flashlight, my tether
My only...
"Is this real?" I whispered, "Or am I dreaming?"
When I pinch myself I hope not to awake
If there is a God, She is love, and to Her I pray

Meanwhile, McKinney, recently conferred the nickname "Gaylord Byron" by his peers, has tried to disavow "Prayers for Love" by claiming that his motivation for penning such soppy drivel was disingenuous.

"I just wanted to bang the broad, that's all," said McKinney, "But now that I think about it, I could care less about that skank. She's a total pig."

"Yeah right," laughed Timmerman.