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Man Kills Family
Dog, Wins Back Estranged Wife And Child
The reconciliation culminates a rocky six-month estrangement since the unemployed alcoholic was most recently evicted from the house.
According to Janine Flaherty, the murder of Snickers, whom her husband shot to death and left stuffed in the mailbox last Monday, persuaded her to give her husband of eight years yet another chance where dozens of other less endearing gestures failed.
“I kicked Walter out in April at gunpoint after he went too far and broke a chair over my mom’s neck for using his cigarette lighter, and since then his attempts to coax me into letting him back have fallen way short. In fact, his recent strategy of parking his car on the lawn outside my window and screaming ‘You bitch this’ and ‘You bitch that’ all night, and getting me fired from Kohls by calling my boss ten times a day to tell him how big of a slut I am probably only hurt his chances. I’ll admit I was a little moved when he threw a whiskey bottle through the front window, but killing Snickers really showed me something. I think he really liked that dog,” remarked Mrs. Flaherty.
Less enthusiastic about Flaherty’s return are their neighbors and the local police department.
Commented one anonymous neighbor: “Am I happy that drunken son-of-a-bitch is back? I suppose if I were the type of person who looked forward to trying to sleep through an unholy racket of shattering glass, shrieking, screamed threats of manual decapitation and gunfire followed eventually by the nauseating grunting noises of rutting hippopotamus emanating from the house next door on a nightly basis I would be, but really I’m not so much happy about it, no.”
“Walter Flaherty is pure white trash," remarked Franklin Police Deputy William Muncy, "I can’t say how many man hours we’ve wasted serving complaints at that house only to be rebuffed every time by that idiot wife of his saying it was all an accident, that she tripped and fell through a plate glass window or face first over a sledgehammer, but one of these days we’re gonna have to take him down in a hail of bullets, and I hope it happens on my shift,”
Regardless of the opinion of naysayers, Walter and Janine Flaherty report that they’re happy to be reunited and are looking forward to a long lifetime of marital harmony.
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