Rape-Septuplets Celebrate 12th Birthday

KEARNY, KS - Happy birthday to the Sullivan rape-septuplets!

Lori Sullivan and a pack of drunken men's seven children turned twelve today, and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, Missouri Congressman Tom Akin and several other high-profile conservatives were on hand to commemorate the occasion.

"Lori's courage and fortitude is exemplary. Her story is truly a modern-day miracle," Santorum said.

The septuplets - four boys, Light, Wall, Ceiling and Chair, and three girls, Bed, Window and Nurse, were born on September 9th, 2000 in Kearny, and joined their older brother Joe and sister Josephina – now 13 and 14, who were also conceived by acts of rape.

Sullivan, who has since given birth to six more children sired by rapists, credited her community for helping her decide not to terminate any of her pregnancies.

"They told me if I did they would kill me," Sullivan explained.

Sullivan has described all of her children as "terrible".

Notably, the men of Kearny, many of whom have anonymously attributed their propensity for sexually assaulting Ms. Sullivan to there not being any other decent looking women in town, will soon be raping a grandmother if they continue indulging their urges towards Sullivan.

"My son Joe and daughter Josephina are expecting, so I guess I'm going to be a grandma," Sullivan said.

Actually, make that a double grandma.

Sullivan confirmed that Joe had indeed raped Josephina.